The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Hooker

When I was around 8 I killed a duck with a fishing rod while fishing with my uncle.

Pacedropper

I once scored in the wrong hoop during a basketball game. Me and this kid were talking shit to each other and I was so fired up I jumped up for a rebound over everyone and put it right back in my own net. My brain just switched off for a split second. Never lived it down

Sir Piss a lot

I work from home and for months one of my neighbours has been renovating their property. Obviously it entails a certain amount of noise but I’m a reasonable guy and put up with it. That was until it dragged on for six months and the main builder turned out to have a penchant for cocaine and listening to drum and bass as loudly as possible throughout the entire day. The dickhead also constantly blocked in other residents with his shit parking. After making multiple requests for him to be more considerate of the residents I eventually had enough and started pissing in the same glass every day and throwing it out of my window and onto his car. I did this for about a month, he never seemed to notice.

Moog

I turned down a threesome with two girls I work with because I didn’t think my wimpy penis could handle it

Making love to air

When my girlfriend tells me to go deeper, it feels like I’m fucking a large hoop earring. I feel nothing.

somedude

The girl I lost my virginity to in college is now a full on lesbian. I’m talking spiky hair, tattoos everywhere, dating this butch other lesbian. Hadn’t seen her for years and she sent me a friend request on FB and it’s like I’m looking at a totally different person. Sad to think I was so shit that she decided to give up on men altogether (I haven’t got much better since)

Nofagsforme

I quit smoking after I found out it shrinks your penis, one month without a smoke and I’ve gone from 5 inches to 5 and 1/4! Hopefully the little fella ain’t done growing yet

puree445

Woke up in my own bed after a heavy night to find a hot, but fully-clothed girl curled up sleeping next to me. I had no idea who she was. I got up and went to take a major piss and when I came back she was gone. I never even saw her again. When I asked my friends later they all said they couldn’t remember me meeting/talking to a girl that night. Weird.

mystery_man

I discovered Sick Chirpse years ago after you wrote an article slating me and my girlfriend (as if I’m going to tell which one cunts) and shamefully still read to this day

LimpDickskit

I haven’t had sex in 6 years because of crippling performance anxiety and I’m pretty confident I’ll never have sex again. I’m 27

jasbott

A girl messaged me on Depop saying she never received her item, well I tracked her down on Facebook and found her wearing it on her profile pic. Took a screenshot and messaged her, doubt I will hear back. Cheeky bitch.

Maccieswhore69

I used to be morbidly obese, now I’m just obese and everyone congratulates me for it. I feel like a fraud, I’ve still got tits.

Bud00k

When I was a teen I stole a passport I found at the post office mailing something for my mum. Instead of handing it in there or police I went to the nearest kebab shop and asked the Turkish guys behind the counter if they were interested in buying it (no idea why I thought they would be). They started screaming at me and I’ve never ran from anywhere that fast in my life.

Cmaja

I’m jealous of my mates who had dads growing up

BBBoy

My girlfriend used to let me have sex with her bareback and even cum inside her, now she insists I wear a condom every time because she doesn’t want to be on the pill.  I know it’s awful to say but it’s really getting me down and I resent her for it. She’s changed…

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!