The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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dvzn

I told my teacher in 8th grade sex education that I had syphilis as a kid. They called my mum. Turns out I had psoriasis.

abz

I worked as an Uber driver in Madrid and in my first week went to a pick up and got my keys taken and the shit kicked out of me by 3 or 4 people. In hospital (nothing too bad) the police told me that they were taxi drivers who order Ubers so they can beat up Uber drivers. So yeah don’t become an Uber driver in Madrid.

Pill_Smith

I once took an ecstasy pill, threw up before it kicked in, went through my sick, took it out and necked it for the second time. Came up like a bitch.

Akhillez

I saw my friend stab a random person in the stomach for no reason other than he was having a bad night. I didn’t say anything for a few weeks but then went to the police and grassed him up after he almost did something similar. Some might say I’m a snitch but I wipe my arse with comments like that — you stab someone you deserves to go to jail, simple.

noyourecrazy

When I type my passwords I worry that someone might be reading my mind so I shout random letters and numbers in my head to fool them.

Sunday School

I had an ex who was fairly religious. She had a metal crucifix she used to wear around her neck, and every time she went past a church she used to kiss the crucifix. I never saw her wash it in our 2 year relationship. Anyway, whenever she sucked my dick with me lying on the bed, I could feel it (it was cold metal)  moving up and down from my asshole along my gooch and back again. I never told her, and she still kisses the cross every time she goes past a church, presumably now with her new partner’s ass germs.

destructive enemy

I paid £150 for a handjob from the Chinese massage place after doing lines of coke all night. I need help.

Jakkrhys

Agreed to move in with my crush because I thought we might get together or at least become flatmates with benefits. Fast forward a few weeks I am completely friend zoned and madly in love with her while she has a new boyfriend who I have to hear bang her at all hours of the night. FML.

Burgerbuns

I’ve got a massive thing for pregnant chicks… and have a sickening feeling it’s because I watched my own birth video aged 6 and a half. Am I the original oedipus?

Ljm346

When I was at uni I hooked up with this girl who’s probably the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I don’t know how my lines were working so well but I was at peak confidence. We have some drinks then on the way home we walk past her apparently ex boyfriend and his friends and she tries to make him jealous by kissing me in front of him. He just walked past and said “have fun mate” and winked at me. Get to hers, have drunk sex, nothing special. About three weeks later I got to the doctor because I’ve bumps on my dick. Herpes and chlamydia. I learnt my lesson, but fuck her and fuck him for not saying something.

luxurypisser

Im male and I like to sit down to take a piss. Im sure im not the only one

forrest trump

My girlfriend started to pile on the pounds so I made a bet with her to see who can run the most miles in a week. Whoever runs more miles gets dinner bought for them. Second week in a row now she’s taking me out to dinner… looks like she didn’t get the hint

xbowserx

After I have sex I always put on my tracksuit afterwards because my post-sex dick shrivels up to the size of a cashew nut.

dorkinsmcab

This hot girl from work was banging the 45 year old guy from work. I got invited out to the theatre with her and this other couple from work so me being the idiot I am I assumed it was a double date and ended up paying for everything. Went to the bar after and guess who shows up? The 45 year old guy from work. Immediately slides in and puts his arm around her and she’s loving it. My caveman DNA starts firing off. The guy asks me how I’m doing with a big “I’m getting sex tonight and you’re not” smile on his face. I said “what are you even doing here you old prick? You’re like 50”. Long story short I end up getting punched in the face by a girl, put in an armlock by a bouncer and thrown out, then hugged a homeless man on the way back to my car, which I slept in before waking up shirtless and sweating at 6am. I learned a lot that day. 

Spanky

When I first started wanking I didn’t know what cum was so I would just jizz on the floor of my parents’ house and let it dry up wherever I left it. They thought it was the dog.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!