Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #236

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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[no name]

My girlfriend went to the gym early this morning. I decided to have a wank. Turned on Pornhub a little early. My bluetooth was still on and she heard the moans of a solid video as she drove away. Whoops.

pilman

I plagiarised an episode of Captain Planet for a year 4 writing assignment. Totally stole the plot and got a gold star.

chubbydatenight

Matched with a girl on Tinder months ago using out of date photos of myself from where I was 15kg lighter. She lives in Nottingham and me in London. I now have 2 weeks to lose as much weight as I can before we meet up for our first date. Or I can hope she’s catfished me as much as I have her. Wish me luck.

whatswrongwithher

My new girlfriend has no problem going down on me but won’t let go down on her because it’s “awkward”

SK

I got a job at a graduate school as a teaching assistant and have recently been grading homework. It’s unbelievable how stupid some 18-19 year olds are. Several of them can’t name or point out continents on a map. Most of them cannot write coherently. Too many of them don’t even show up to classes and end up e-mailing you begging for extensions on essays. I’m off after the program is over so I don’t really care, but it baffles me how some people even get into university.

synthetikhuman

I can’t pee at urinals if there’s a black guy standing next to me

tall grey

I think Scarface is a shit film. It’s super cheesy and the acting isn’t good, even Pacino’s. I honestly think some people pretend to like it. Don’t even get me started on the Godfather films, boring!

witty username

Tried banging my flatmate last night, she was horrified. Think I’ll stay in my room until this blows over or I’m asked to leave.

dr12

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex that I get a boner when my hair stylist massages my head

[no name]

My dad has a brain tumour and will be dead soon. It’s been awful seeing him deteriorate into someone none of us recognise. He wakes up in sweats thinking there are spiders all over him and that people are breaking into the house to kill him. I feel really bad for my mum having to see him like this. Not really a confession just a reminder to people to cherish their loved ones while they’re still with us and in good health.

sidemanreveh

I fingered my first cousin when we were both 15

Vccidhale

Once in Portugal I shagged a prostitute from Mali. One thing which was a first for me was that she was circumcised and only had the remnants of a clit left. Barbaric practice, but she told me she still had sensations and could orgasm, which under prolonged attack from my tongue and fingers, she did (or at least pretended to).