The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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biffkenningtonIII

I had a wank in the shower the other day right before my wife tried to surprise me with a BJ. She tried for about 5 minutes to try get me hard and couldn’t, she looked like a bird trying to pull a worm out of the ground. I tried but just couldn’t get hard and eventually had to tell her the true reason. Let’s just say she’s wasn’t impressed

shackalack

I’ve been watching a lot of BBW porn lately as I try to decide whether I’m attracted to the size 16 girl at work. She’s got a cute face and massive tits but it’s the gunt that worries me. I’ll keep you posted

McLauren

I had someone give me their date of birth over the phone as “the eighth day of the sixth month of the year of 82” and I vehemently wanted to slap them.

felipe_

A few years ago I was drunk on my laptop, came across a hateful anti-male Facebook page and did what any drunk 20 year old would do — wrote the admin a drunk message . Anyway, admin ended up sharing my drunk message with all her followers, who proceed to get in touch with my university and employer with messages about me harassing them (I may have called them cock-starved feminist slags in one section of the message). Anyway long story short, I lost my job and had to delete my Facebook and all social media profiles because I was still getting abuse 3 weeks later from pissed off feminazis. Lesson learned.

Xah

Haemorrhoids are ruining my life

[no name]

I rarely watch the same porn movie twice. One I am fixated on, however, is a very ugly goth girl getting it up the arse. The reason I love that movie is that I love the idea that a 2 or 3/10 would approach me and offer to take it up the arse in order that I’d take her home. The sad truth is that I am now probably a 2 or 3 myself so having sex with that ugly girl remains a pipe dream. Sad.

SHITTITS

On holiday in Thailand and my mate decides to ring his mum and tell her that were in hospital with broken bones and then we went to sleep. Woke up to a call from the foreign office asking if I was alive and my family hadn’t slept all night and were ringing hospitals to see if we were there. Completely not my fault but still feel like a cunt

5doublem

My iphone is bigger than my erect dick

Bryson

I never realised how ugly I was until I got Tinder, Bumble and Happn and can’t get a match to save my life.

Wam bam windows

I was working for a well known, double glazing company a few years back as a canvasser (going out in teams knocking on doors offering quotes etc). Once I knocked on the door of a this blonde chavy trashy solid 8/10 with bolt on tits. She invited me in, showed me some porn with her in it and then we banged. Crazy thing is, after we were done she clearly wasn’t satisfied (don’t blame her tbh) and asked me to get the whole squad down, so I did… all 10 of em. We waited on the stair-case as we took turns in a civilised manner. The funniest part was catching the last guy at the end who was the only one who got fully butt naked undressed!

bvizzy14

For years I never shampooed my arse hair because I thought shampoo promoted the growth of arse hair. No idea where I got that from but I was sure it was true.

masterchef

I would fuck my cousin if she made a move on me.

Littlehawk

My girlfriend put the tip of her finger in my bum during a blowjob the other day…  Told her to go deeper and felt extremely gay for saying it. But then she pushed half her finger in there and I came like a fucking fountain. Highly recommended.

dbones

I used to memorise jokes from Dave Chappelle and Russell Peters stand up so people at school could think I was funny

riraho

Whenever I have sex with a girl I cum really quickly and then pretend I can’t get fully hard. Then I get up and discreetly throw away the condom, put on my boxers, start kissing the girl again and get another condom later and bang her. 10/10 success rate in covering up my premature ejaculation. I’m still shit at sex though

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!