The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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peteepete

I grassed on my neighbours for breaking lockdown rules at their home. I wasn’t bothered apart from they were making lots of noise. Good news is they warned me that the OAP couple living above them are ‘snitches’, so they don’t suspect me at all.

indigo

Me and my girlfriend love posting xxx pics of her on amateur porn sites and reading all the comments guys leave for her. It really gets us going!

P.K.

When I was about 14 I shaved my pubes for no real reason. One day my gym teacher called me over after I’d been in the showers and told me he was referring me to the school GP because wasn’t “developing”. At the time I thought he meant sports-wise or something. Anyway when my parents spoke to him he said there were signs I hadn’t yet hit puberty which was worrying at my age. I realised he was referring to my shaved pubes. In the end I had to go to the GP because I didn’t want my dad knowing I used his razor to shave my pubes

wucebrane

I have read you slate the DCEU films quite a bit over the years, I bet you are pretty gutted that the Snyder Cut is actually doing really well and more awesome than you will ever be

[editor’s note: well that’s mean]

Rudo

I used to think the phrase “prima donna” meant “pre-Madonna” as in the days before Madonna became famous

obi1

I got into the final round of interviews for a social media marketing manager and in the end they didn’t accept me because I don’t have a Twitter account

Someone going to hell

At my grandfather’s funeral, during the burial outside, my godfather was singing some religious prayer in Hungarian, during which I farted (thinking it would be a quiet one, but in actuality was louder than the prayer itself). My Auntie, stood next to me, started laughing into her hands uncontrollably, only to be comforted by my grandma who, thinking she was crying, began hugging her and telling her it was okay.

Always Preheat

Today I swiped left on a really hot girl on tinder because she said she doesn’t believe in pre-heating an oven. I just can’t deal with that chaos in my life.

Malia 14

I know the holiday histories of upto fifteen hot girls I knew from school, who I’ve not spoken in upto ten years, purely from their Facebook pics. Some as long as seven years ago. What even am I?

meekin

I went on a getaway weekend to this spa with the girlfriend, about 2 hours from where I live. At the swimming pool on the first night, I walk in and see my former male co-worker kissing another dude in the corner of the pool. Normally I wouldn’t give a shit, but this guy was always showing off about how much pussy he got and how he’s in his 40s and in better shape than the rest of us. He also made several homophobic remarks while I worked there and made fun of a gay guy (behind his back) who worked with us. Anyway after kissing his boyfriend he saw me watching and looked mortified. He came over and said he had had an acting audition coming up and he was just practicing with his co-star. He ended up offering to pay for our spa stay but I said it was fine, we already paid. I told absolutely everyone in the office about it. Fuck that guy.

dmouz

I saw my friend’s mum naked one time when I was 10 or 11, and over 10 years later that image still pops into my head when I wank sometimes

sharp on the nostrils

I like doing big eggy clappy farts, that’s all.

Speedy12

I made a terrible decision at 4am while drunk walking home telling a group of homeless people to “sort your lives out you homeless fucks”. They chased me all over Canterbury and then kicked the shit out of me, ripped up my jacket and one even pissed on me a little bit. Definitely the lowest point of my life

Rowlf

Ages ago I spent the night with a random hookup at uni. The next day she text me from the gym saying she had to get off the bike because “she was too sore from last night”. To this day it’s the nicest thing a girl has ever said to me

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!