The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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georgy

My day used to start and end an hour earlier than my wife, but now she’s been working from home for the last year. I love her, but I really miss having that hour alone after work. It was the best part of my day.

timmyhood

I had big time diarrhoea that sounded funny when I was in the toilet the other day. As I was stuck on the shitter for a while I thought it would be great if I recorded my diarrhoea fart sounds on my phone. I put the phone slightly behind my arse and let rip, and ended up shitting all over my phone. Couldn’t stop laughing.

danny roots

5 years ago I was at a wedding and naturally got hammered. The wedding reception was over and the bar was closing but me and some mates still wanted to drink. So we snuck into the kitchen of the hotel snatched a few bottles of champagne and I grabbed a cake I found in the walk in fridge. Next day I wake up on the floor with my suit on and covered in icing. I’m confused for a sec but then vaguely remember taking the cake. I see the cake next to me and its partially eaten but I can still make out the writing on it, which says something like “Jennifer and Matthew, Always and Forever, 4-12-2016”. It was a cake for a wedding at the hotel later that night. I felt terrible and if I ever get married I deserve something terrible to happen to me on my wedding day.

superelfraju

Have you ever been wanking and then get a text from like your mum and lose your boner?

Hung

My gf left me as she got tired of saying she liked bouncing on my little willy during sex, really turns me on. Now everytime I see one of her friends they wiggle there little finger at me

therealestenigma

Sometimes I just imagine myself laughing hysterically and driving off a bridge going 100 mph on my way to work.

spallingchacker

Do you even read your posts before you post them? Seriously learn to spell. Even Google Chrome has spell checking built in. How do you do such a bad job?

Ps still love your site bro’s and will still visit multiple times a day

[editor’s note = bros*]

bigprick

I have a huge dick. Seriously.

BossPlaya69

When I was about 12 my uncle, who is an absolute twat, decided to have a spar with me- I was learning to box at the time. Anyways, he thought it would be funny to completely flatten me with a haymaker to the body that totally wiped my young self out. Anyways, not wanting to let him get away with it, the next day I snuck a kitchen knife out of the house and proceeded to slash every tyre on his car that he was trying to sell. To this day he thinks the person responsible was, in his own words, ‘some chav’ who came to look at the car and got aggressive when my uncle would not sell him it £500 cheaper.

markymark

This Romanian prostitute I’ve been visiting told me I’m her “favourite white guy” so that’s something I’ve got going for me

schlodomir

When I was a kid I used to pick my nose and stick the bogeys under my bed — I called it my bogey farm. Today my bogey farm is under the driver’s seat in my car

Ziggah_wut?

You know, you might not have to reuse so many confessions from the past if you cleared up these fucking annoying adverts and attracted some more degenerates to the site.

[editor’s note = we’ll take that on board]

yrneh

I drank a full glass of expired Pepsi from an elderly neighbour who I was helping round the house because she insisted I drink it even though I told her it was expired. My politeness will be the death of me…

lazzaris

I was doing work experience and one day my boss and his team had to go to a convention and I was put in charge of booking the transport and hotel for them. It was last minute so I tried to find a good deal for them, and without reading all the details booked this one hotel that had an impressive sounding name and decent rating. Turns out I accidentally booked them all into a gay resort where clothing is optional. Needless to say they didn’t keep me on.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!