The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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fork_you

I took a poo in my nan’s cat’s litter box when I was 13 and my family was freaking out wondering how the cat took such a huge dump. They got her tested and it turns out my nan’s cat had cat HIV so looks like I did her a favour.

2wipejohnny

Whenever I cuss the Kardashians or Real Housewives of wherever my girlfriend always starts defending them and saying the only reason people hate them is because they’re jealous of their lifestyles. I love my girlfriend but don’t know if I can see myself being with someone who thinks this way

macrofife

I got expelled from school for telling the history teacher he walks like he’s got a dildo up his arse. I feel like you’d get away with that these days

volk

Arranged for my dealer to drop off some coke to my cousin for the first time (they never met) and on the way to meet him he got into a car crash and totalled his car. He called me up and went nuts at me like it was my fault and said I would have to pay up. I politely declined and eventually had to hang up on him because he wouldn’t stop shouting. He’s a big scary Turkish dude but he wouldn’t actually kill me over this….would he?

Akchan123

An Instagram model I follow who I don’t know in real life recently starting posting pictures with her new boyfriend, it’s genuinely fucked me up

mushedroom

I’ve never washed my legs in the shower in my entire lie.

malibu_man

I banged a girl while on LSD and it was the weirdest experience ever. I kept having to stop and pull out because I thought my dick was getting permanently glued inside her vagina then when I finally came I thought my dick had blown off my body. I even checked my privates in a panic the next morning after finally getting some sleep.

calmbaby

The other day I sat on a wet towel on my bed for 43 minutes staring at the wall. I think I might be autistic or something.

goddz

Me and my best mate are in our 20s now, but when we were 16 we had a fight in the physics lab where I put him in a full nelson and bounced his head off the wall and the desk, then punched him in the side of the face before everyone broke it up. He was crying and everything. Hope he knows I won’t hesitate to do it again if he crosses me.

Jdiddly

I think I’d be a lot more successful in life if my cock was just two inches bigger

Jayme2000

2:30am one night I was texting this girl and convinced her to let me come round even though she made clear she was “really really tired”. I told her I was right by her accommodation even though I was miles away on another campus. I was so desperate that I ran while piss drunk at 2:30am for 35 minutes to get to hers (this was before Uber). The whole time I was dreading the “I changed my mind” text so I had to get there quick. Anyway got there in the end probably doing about a mile every 10 minutes. Didn’t get laid.

Reno11

I write with poorer handwriting than I actually have because a teacher called my handwriting “girly” 10 years ago

Whiffy

I bought my girlfriend a vibrator for valentines, however today I decided to use it on myself whilst tugging one out. It smelt of poop after I used it, I’ve washed it twice now and it still smells of guilt and shame

Soapy mystery

Despite having lived with my girlfriend for 3 years, I don’t know which slot the fabric softener and the detergent go in the washing machine. I’m too embarrassed to ask her about it.

Wild one

I was so drunk once that I started on a girl that wouldn’t give me her number in the club. She was terrified and went to get a bouncer so I quickly disappeared to the next floor. I wish I knew what came over me but fully appreciate that I am a scumbag.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!