The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Sticky thumbs

I sometimes play on psn with a quiet girl that I work with who I don’t usually talk to. We were into a game late one night and I got a horn on so decided to pump out a silent danger wank to her casual gamer talk, whilst playing it cool on the mic. And we won

Nil Skill

My ex who I am still in love with has started dating a 6 foot 3 MMA fighter. Can also tell from his Instagram pics that he has a massive knob. No way I can compete with that.

aquadine

I have a secret folder on my laptop of my boyfriend’s best mate who I have a fucked up crush on. Literally hundreds of pictures from Instagram and Facebook.

Bloobe

My wife is so fucking boring. All she does is stare at her phone from the moment she gets home from work till we go to bed and I can’t even moan at her because her dad has cancer

Pantyfree

I was on holiday alone in Lanzarote. I was wine drunk and nose drunk heading to the town when I needed a sh**. I went in a bush and had the runniest runs. Had nothing to wipe with so used my thong. Went out without undies. Pulled and was on a beach with a guy between my legs that eve. Hadn’t washed. He seemed happy.

Uwantthebeefbruv?

Oi BINMAN from last week, what asshole picks up belongings from random people’s desks and just throws it in the bin just because they take a ‘dislinking’ to it!? ‘Walking around the office late’ Probably doing ur cleaning duties… wasteman.

mastodon93

My girlfriend’s given me 3 blowjobs since we got together a year ago and one of them was on my birthday.

DRitchie

I stayed an extra stop on the tube and made myself late to work because I had a raging boner that refused to go down

Mr.lemon

My first week back as a teacher at a private primary school and I leave the room for a few seconds to let out a risky fart, and end up following through and shitting my pants. I was mortified the kids would be able to tell so I let them go to playtime early then went and dumped my boxers down the toilet. It was a pretty awful day all round.

BglZEpicbard

I was on a boys holiday in Napa when we saw a guy frothing at the mouth and having some kind of drunk episode/seizure outside a club. People were freaking out trying to get away from him. My mate tried to calm him down but the guy was swinging his arms everywhere and being really disruptive, so my mate body slammed him in the middle of the road and left him there.

deathtotoryvotes

Why is there such a rightwing-leaning vibe and misogynistic vibe to what’s written on this website? Sometimes I have to double-take in case I’ve accidentally clicked onto the Daily Mail. Seriously, sort it out.

[editor’s note – that’s weird, we’re usually accused of being woke SJWs)

tinyballs

I’m not religious in the slightest but for some reason I always kiss my jesus icon before I start driving or before I go to bed because I think if I don’t something bad will happen. It’s like some kind of paranoid religious OCD

jnnmalone

I met a boy at uni who is fit, sexy, funny… and conspicuously out of my league! We got intimate and that’s when I found out why — he has a colostomy bag because of a medical problem. Not the biggest of turn ons but he’d showered me with so much attention and was so sweet (and otherwise hot) that I still slept with him

highlymotivated

I used to piss on the back of my calves every time I took a shit. Took a while to realise that it’s because my dick doesn’t hang low enough into the bowl so when I pee it passes through the gap underneath the toilet seat

cousin terry

I’m about to turn 40 and still behave like a 23 year old with his first real taste of what it’s like to have my own money to spend. Trust me guys, your youth goes quick. Enjoy it

Chyna

I quite often search for the porn videos that Chyna of wrestling fame did.Don’t know why but seeing her being smashed in does it for me. If I see any normal picture of her though I have absolutely zero attraction.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!