The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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JM

My wife thinks whenever I shut the door to my office it’s because I’m busy at work. It’s because I want to wank in peace.

Binman

I was walking round our office alone late at night near where the IT guys sit and one of them had this little bronze figurine of a cow on his desk. I had no idea whose desk it was but for no reason I took a dislike to this thing, picked it up and put it in the main bin round the back of the building. The next day I came in and there’s an Indian guy sitting at the desk almost in tears. Turns out it was a Hindu religious statue that meant a lot to him. Sorry Raj.

L Doos

My girlfriend’s older sister is a bit of a slag. The first few times I met her she made a couple passes at me and was rubbing her leg on me under the table in the pub. I’m such a good boyfriend I ignored it and what’s more never mentioned it go my girlfriend. Would love to fuck her just once though.

calvin789

I was stalking a friend’s mum on Facebook and accidentally hit add friend. I quickly retracted the friend request but am shitting it over whether it still notifies her. Best case scenario she clocks on that I was stalking her and makes a move on me and worst case she tells my friend and it makes for one awkward conversation

neighbourhood legend

The first time I had sex I thought I was inside the girl but really I was in between her thighs and a Persian rug (missionary) and came everywhere. I literally lost my virginity to a carpet.

twotone

I’m attracted to literally all of my girlfriend’s girlfriends

unk45

I’ve deleted all forms of social media, with the exceptions of checking sick chirpse and a few other blogs. Much happier and highly recommend it to others.

pooeyvuitton

I’m a girl and work for a well known high-end brand. One day i was feeling particuarly hungover but managed a £5000 sale, however on the way to the till with my client I started to feel especially ill. I managed to put the bag to one side and excuse myself to said client, whereby i ran into the toilet where the urge to shit myself and vomit at the same time was so strong that i had to poo whilst vomiting into the sanitary bin. I then promptly returned with a packet of paper for the printer as if we had ran out, apologised for the delay and whacked that five grand through the till. Commisson never felt so good!

[no name]

I often feel great shame immediately after ejaculating over the ridiculous porn genre that got me off…

virtualwaster

I’m a prominent poster on an escorts and prostitutes forum

bigdickprivilege

Having a small penis is a curse.

aman

My girlfriend told me she couldn’t come round one night when she was meant to so I decided to have a nice leisurely wank instead. As I started wanking I noticed a condom on my desk so I thought fuck it, I slipped it on to avoid having to clean up. Just as I cum my girlfriend bursts through the door to surprise me. I’ll never forget the look of disgust on her face as she then searched the flat for another girl before realising I’d just wanked off with a condom on.

brokenup

I hate everyone and just want to be left alone.

comeatmefam

I made my ex sign a contract promising she’d never tell anyone the weird shit I used to ask her to do to me, as part of our break-up agreement. Credit to her she signed it. God I miss her

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!