The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Incognito443

Got drunk and wound up in a club where all the women seemed to be MILFs looking for some young cock. Got even more wasted then ended up going back to this cougar’s house, she took me to the bedroom and put on some meditation music. Thought it was weird but no big deal. Now I don’t have big dick but it’s not a cashew nut either. So we start banging and this woman cums 3 times – a personal record for me. Ended up cumming all over her belly. My advice to any guys out there is definitely check out these MILF clubs

thefade

My hairline had started receding from the front and it never really bothered me until I got a trim and the barber offered me a look from up top. Oh boy is there a considerable bald patch. Never felt so depressed.

myahee

I once choked on a small piece of cheese at a party and someone had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me. I’ll never forget the room full of terrified faces looking at me as I choked and wailed around like I knew I was dying. In the end the man who saved my life told me that he had just been taught how to do the Heimlich at the job he hates a few weeks earlier. Scariest and most humiliating moment of my life in one.

ufarkinronald

I came inside a French girl on a school trip a few years back. She didn’t know my full name and we never spoke again, but I actually think it’s pretty cool I might have a bastard child in France somewhere

flamingfuel

In my late 20s and hide the fact I use an e-cig from my girlfriend. When she goes to the toilet or takes a shower I take hits like a crack addict. It’s pathetic.

jayden

Years ago following an argument with my boss I texted my colleague that our boss was a fucking idiot. Except I accidentally sent the text to him instead of my colleague. Boss immediately gets up from his desk and yells “Do you have something to say to me, John?”. I had no choice but to play it like I had meant to sent him the text and told him exactly what I thought of him. He then sent me home followed by a message asking not to come in again. Fair enough really.

Kevh2

Heard a shoplifter caught robbing in Tesco’s tell the security guy “if it wasn’t for people like me mate you wouldn’t even have a job.” That’s one way of looking at it to be fair.

[no name]

My boyfriend looks like Zac Efron and I think the reason he settled for me is because he has a tiny cock he thinks hotter girls won’t put up with.

disastrous

I got friendzoned by a prostitute who texts me about all her problems. There’s literally nothing in it for me.

danimal

My girlfriend went through months and months of texts on my phone while was sleeping. Nothing suspect in there but she still told me off for my ‘disgusting guy talk’. Fuck you!!!

goldandblue

It temporarily kills my confidence every time I walk past a female and she doesn’t look at me

daniemily

When will I grow out of not answering the door when I’m home alone and sneaking around the house to find out who’s knocking?

wizkid

My dick is so gross it’s a damn shame

extant89

When I was in Vegas on a boys holiday I decided to splash some cash on a hooker. I ordered this sexy tight looking Korean girl in her early 20s for $200 an hour. When she arrived at my door an hour later it was clearly a bait & switch – she was a Korean woman in her 40s who couldn’t speak any English, had small boobs and no real ass to speak of. I thought fuck it she’s here now and went ahead with it. In the end it was the most mindblowing sex of my life. She fucked the absolute shit out of me, we did positions I never even knew about and she taught me a couple things that have helped me with sex in the long run. A very pleasant surprise. I’ll never forget that woman.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!