The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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williebrooks

I want the pandemic to end as much as anyone. But part of me is dreading going back to the office every day. Working from home 5 days a week for the last 10 months has made work so much more tolerable. Is there a chance that life could stay this way forever?

Gamma Rays

I drank a Brazilian prostitute’s breast milk once and was convinced I had HIV for about a year.

chronus

I got a DUI back in 2017 and I’ve never received anything from court for it. It’s been nearly 4 years. Starting to think I might have got away with one.

[no name]

Always knew I was no Brad Pitt but Tinder has really opened my eyes to how truly unappealing I must be. The only women I match with are absolute monstrosities. If that’s my level then I would rather be alone forever and I just have to accept that.

third eye

Sometimes I call Siri Alexa by mistake

thicko

We have shared laundry where I live. Some girl forgot her small black sexy underwear in the washer so I took them out and put them to the side so whoever forgot them would collect them. No one has taken them yet and I’m contemplating stealing them.

Takis

I got a friend out of Greek jail with a fake rolex

scumbag moves

Me and my friend were at a party full of first year uni students once. They were drinking vodka cranberry juice out of a big bowl in the kitchen. When they went outside to do fireworks me and my mate pissed in the bowl and then left the party.

[no name]

Saw my wife’s web history the other day and she had been watching some porn called “mummy’s girl” and that’s creepy as fuck but I checked it out and now our web histories look pretty similar. Oh also, not bad.

Fucking covid

A year ago I was in Australia partying and shagging. Now I havent had sex in nearly 4 months and ive just bought a gaming computer and world of warcraft.

witty username

Tried banging my flatmate last night, she was horrified. Think I’ll stay in my room until this blows over or I’m asked to leave.

Poopie McPooperton

I accidentally shit my pants while doing a urinalysis at work. I was bladder shy and pushed too hard. It was pretty awkward.

lccc123hamp

Back when GTA San Andreas came out I convinced my mum to buy it for me by telling her the object of the game was to drive around helping your community and stopping others committing crimes

Cme fam

My girlfriend had to give birth via cesarean section and I was so happy that her vagina wasn’t going to get destroyed. I had to pretend to sympathise with her though because she was proper sad about it.

hawkins87

I saw one my best friends’ girlfriends pulling someone who wasn’t him at a bar once. I was so drunk that first took a picture of them then walked up and poured my Red Stripe over both their heads. I ended up getting my head slammed into the bar by a bouncer and thrown out but it was kind of worth it because me and my mate are now tighter than ever

K Kat

One of my biggest memories from childhood is my aunt calling my mum to come pick me up because I farted on her newborn son while I was round theirs. I had a younger bro who I always farted on so didn’t realise it was a bad thing.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!