The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Cousinmike

Once ate some really spicy chicken wings and my ring piece was burning. I put an ice cube right on my bum hole and accidentally swallowed it up. Somehow gave me the worst migraine of my life. 

mutazah

I ran into Matt Cardle at Westfield Shopping Centre. I’m telling you the guy is a midget. I’m 5 foot 8 and I towered over him. Made me lose a bit of respect for him to be honest. Then I saw his girlfriend and respected him again.

bloop

Was taking a one on one drive with my ex’s dad to their summer house. A 3 hour plus drive. He was pretty religious and we had nothing in common. We spoke for about 15 mins, then I fell asleep. Woke up hoping I’d slept through most of the ride, but in reality it was only about 10 mins. I pretended to sleep for the entire rest of the ride. Also had to piss but didn’t want to add on time by stopping. Was a rough 3 hours.

Too Drunk To Fuck

I’d been chatting to a girl online and playing the big man, so we arranged to meet, along with some friends. She wasn’t as good looking as her photos, so I felt the need to drink a bottle of Southern Comfort before we got down to business. I fucked her in a bush round the corner from our mates. By this time I was wasted and she said I was a crap shag. Not surprising really after a full bottle.

golden graham

Once I was having sex with a guy and mid missionary he said to me “this is how your parents made you you dirty slut”. It did not do anything for me.

simonthebyron

My only experience of human touch recently was getting my hair cut

Gentle_Lover

My girlfriend and I had rough sex one time, I accidentally tore her up a little bit. She got some ointment to put on the wound, but she couldn’t reach it, so she had her grandmother help her. Yeah,that kind of weirded me out a little.

overworkedandunderpaid

every single meeting i have at work i think about how easy it would be to just stand up on the desk in the middle of the meeting and pull my trousers down and piss everywhere, or punch the guy next me as hard as I can in the face, effectively ruining my career/life. its thoughts like that somehow get me through the day

yayayua

There’s nothing more disappointing than clicking on a hot girl on Pornhub and realising she only does solo scenes

hategameplayerdontthe

Sometimes I imagine that someone who i am supposed to hate has wronged me in the worst possible way and before I know it I have spent the last 20 minutes having an imaginary argument with them. ?I guess smoking weed a lot over the years was probably a bad idea.

Wooooo

When I was young I used to think that the number of kids a family had was the exact number of times the parents had sex

the bountie

When I go to the gym I sometimes shake my head in disappointment after a set in an effort to let people know I usually do better than that. In reality though I’m just not as strong as I look

nicetry

After a session at the pub, I’d managed to get my mate into my bed. She was naked and drunk, but still didn’t want to fuck me. Ended up having a wet dream and had to explain the wet patch in the bed the next morning. Not my finest moment.

Trombone jackson

I have my job written on a sticky note by my keyboard because I don’t really understand exactly what it is I do

[no name]

I hooked up with a girl once in university back in 2012. We were snogging on the couch when her drunk flatmate walked in and sat on the sofa next to us. I tried to play it cool, but my girl started sucking me off in front of the flatmate, who proceeded to finger herself and was about to join in. Instead she puked all over us and banged her head on the table, opening up a huge gash. My girl panicked, dragged her into the car and took her to hospital for stitches. As soon as they left, I wanked off on their couch and left my puke-soaked shirt in their kitchen bin. Helped myself to a few beers from the fridge and made the topless walk of shame home. I still fantasise about what could have happened that night…

imtheworst

When I was in uni I needed an A on our final assignment to pass my public speaking class to get my degree. I gave my dad’s eulogy and made the teacher and some girls in the class actually shed a few tears. Got the A and got the degree. Guess what though, my Dad is still very much alive and I’m the absolute worst.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!