The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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cogentdj

Once I was rolling a spliff in my mate’s house when we heard his dad (who we thought was asleep) coming downstairs. I quickly shifted my body to kind of sit awkwardly and cover the rizla & weed with my elbow as he came in. He then sat down and got talking with us for 30 minutes, while I remained in this weird position with my elbow on the table the whole time. It was so hard to act natural and not give anything away to his strict dad. Eventually he fucked off, but it was pretty intense in that room for a while.

Buttlooper

Remeber one time in a club some woman slapped my arse. I did a whole loop of the club to get another one instead of just turning around. It didn’t happen in the second loop and it’s one of my biggest regrets.

SJB

I would totally screw Katie Hopkins. I think she’d be a completed freak in bed

flush

I prefer wanking off to ugly girls in porn because it feels like they might actually give me the time of day in real life.

chalky

I was on a date a few months ago whilst suffering from a stomach upset. I went to the toilet just to piss, but whilst doing so rather spectacularly shat my pants. I shuffled over to the cubicle, cleaned myself up as best I could, and removed said pants. With no other way to dispose of them, I lifted the lid of the cistern and left the defiled item in there. I returned to the date.

ash_lee_Manx

An Albanian kid stole my girlfriend and now I’m genuinely racist towards all Albanians

I used to bully the short kid in my class until one day he came to school taller this me. I swear this motherfucker grew 5 inches in one summer. Over the next few years he kept growing while I peaked at 5’9. He’s such a nice guy he never even pointed it out. And that’s why I believe in karma.

Not-a-clue

I started a new job recently and one of my first duties was to write up and send a letter on behalf of my boss. I had to Google how to properly write and format a letter and where to put the stamp (I’m 22).

theomatica

I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now, she’s hot and cool and we get on and everything, but what annoys me is how seriously she takes her Instagram. She’ll  upload a photo then stress out for hours over how many likes it gets to the point where you can’t even have a normal conversation with her. It makes me feel sick.

FiftySmaxOB

When i was 10 I took a pen knife into a play wrestling fight because I listened to 50 Cent too much

zemreynolds

Today is the second day in a row I’ve done nothing useful for myself or anyone else

Baldodetodos

My dad used to tell me that my mum had died as a way of getting me out of bed for school in the mornings

hemp man

I came home very drunk last week and threw up in the main room. Went to the kitchen to get some roll to clean it all up and on my return found the dog licking up all my puke. It was pretty gross.

rollinwithreaper

I send pictures of my shits to friends in our Whatsapp group and they don’t seem to mind

dorky kon

I practically never have one night stands and am no stud by any means but the day before I planned to propose to my girlfriend I met up with a mate at a bar who was there with a female friend of his and her friend. Anyway I end up going home with the friend (super rare for me) and as soon as we finish having sex she kisses me on the cheek and leaves, no number or see you later or anything. It was the universe giving me one last bit of sex before I get married, and it made getting engaged the next day so much more profound.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!