Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #212

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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greenishgrey

I fucked a 45 year old whale off Tinder the other week to break my dry spell. I’m 23.

chewedbees

I had a lump in my testicles that turned out to be benign, but to find that out I had to visit my GP who is a tall, slim MILF with glasses. I can’t help but think that her and the nurse that was also present were laughing about my tiny penis afterwards, which shriveled up more than usual because I was feeling insecure about it and also concentrating hard on not getting a boner. That’s life with a small dick for you.

doughnut fart

I missed my girlfriend’s mum’s birthday party because I ate a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts by myself for breakfast and gave myself an upset tummy

comma

My long term fuck buddy has stopped having sex with me unless we start going out, but she still came round the other night to sleep over. She resisted all my attempts at sex but in the morning I climbed on top of her and rubbed my boner onto her bum until I jizzed

SNORLAXABLE

I WFH and I’ve spent probably three quarters of my life on this earth in the last month alone in my bed. I think the biggest disappointment is that I still massively prefer physically deteriorating in one place to the rat race commute, ironically primarily because i get to sleep for longer.

pringle39

When I first discovered wanking I sometimes used to wait until nightfall, go into the garden and wank myself to completion in pitch blackness. Something about the stillness of the night really got my juices flowing.

Dragonhead

I do not make other people’s cups of tea to the same standard I make my own.

AssLover

I dream about getting fucked by a trans. Im a straight male but only shemale porn gets me off. My girlfriend fucks my ass with a strap on. (Lads it feels incredible)

fifabribe

I’ve had the same coke dealer for 5 years. He was 18 when he started selling to me. He got a job in a recruitment company recently and you should have seen how happy he was to tell me about it. I’m actually proud of him. He still sells me coke.

Deepthought

Whenever I have a big decision to make I make sure I have a big wank first.

chun_li

I took the virginity of the Chinese international student that lives next door to me at uni. She barely speaks English and didn’t seem to particularly enjoy herself. She definitely didn’t cum anyway, not that I gave her much reason to

macpariah

My girlfriend has started closing her eyes during sex.

NotQuiteA40YearOldVirgin

I’m 38 and have only slept with 5 women my whole life. I’m considered a good looking bloke too.

I’ve had the opportunity to sleep with at least 10x that but I’m shit at it and I’d rather not embarrass myself or waste their time.

Recently got asked round for dinner by a strong 9/10. I went. We had dinner. We had drinks. I didn’t make any moves. Got asked if I was gay. Left with my head bowed in shame. FML

nilsskils

I got hit on by a 16 year old Katie Price wannabe on the train but rejected her as I’m 25 (not to mention I have a girlfriend). Is it wrong that I bashed one out to her later?

snowflakes

Back in college days me and my friends used to drive into this rural area, find a random car and just follow it for as long as possible just to freak them out. I don’t even know why but it was fun at the tiime. Anyway one time we followed this guy for around 20 minutes and he was clearly trying to get rid of us. In the end he lead us down this road into a dead end, turned his car around and started revving and coming for us. We were in my mate’s piece of shit Corsa and I thought we were all going to die for sure. His bumper was inches from us at around 80MPH at one point. I honestly thought we were going to crash or get beaten to death with a cricket bat or something. In the end he drove off in another direction and we cracked up about it. For a while though I know everyone was as scared as I was.