The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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redgetheledge

Got into an argument with the girlfriend the other day. Instead of carrying on the fight, I backed her into a corner and unleashed a 10 second long diarrhea fart right in her face. She was absolutely stunned.

Coke can.

I’m a straight man, however I’d love to hold a really thick short cock.

Jazz hands

I’m a drummer and quite often on public transport I’ll be tapping away to the beat of a song, however I tap my fingers in such a way it looks like I’m a pianist because that looks more sophisticated.

Rufio

When I was younger me and my mates used to get together for group wanks. We’d build pillow forts between us so that no one could see what the other was doing and then order stuff on the porn channels (pre internet) and have a grand old time. Whoever finished first was required to say “First” and so on, not sure why. Kind of gay now that I think about it.

moz321

When I was 15 some chav muttered ‘pussy’ole’ as he walked past me and I was too much of a pussy to respond. Still hurts 12 years later.

End Me

I hate my life. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is because my wife and kids wouldn’t get the insurance payout.

When I’d finish work, I’d make a point of catching the bus from the dodgy area of town hoping someone would try and mug me stab me in the process.

Ellen Degenerate

Ive always thought Ellen was a dick, cant believe you lot are only cottoning on to it

Yunis

I pee all over the cubicle in club toilets and don’t feel bad cos I know it’s just my drunk alter ego and I’m a sound guy really

showaman

Sometimes my girlfriend doesn’t shower for 4 days

Bud00k

When I was a teen I stole a passport I found at the post office mailing something for my mum. Instead of handing it in there or police I went to the nearest kebab shop and asked the Turkish guys behind the counter if they were interested in buying it (no idea why I thought they would be). They started screaming at me and I’ve never ran from anywhere that fast in my life.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!