The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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nandosnightmare

Every Friday for two years I would go to Nandos for lunch. I had a Nandos card and a Nandos stamper I bought on eBay from a cheeky ex-employee (this is before they went electronic). So I would just hand in a fully completed card each time, eat my free meal, and then do the same next week. Pretty sweet deal. Well inevitably one day the manager came out of nowhere while I was ordering my food and he says he wondered why there was the same free meal being rung up every Friday at the same time. He didn’t believe my story that I eat Nandos every day of the week and only go to his branch for the free meal on Fridays. The guy lost the plot on me, grabbed my Nandos card and ripped it up, told me I was a thief and owed him thousands of pounds for free Nandos I’d eaten over the years. It wasn’t easy taking him seriously because his flies were undone but the fact is he had me rumbled. He called the police and they visited me at my house but in the end I was just banned from Nando’s as they couldn’t prove I hadn’t earned the stamps every week. Shortly after that they did away with the stamps altogether – sometimes I think it was all because of me.

deniz

My new year’s resolution was to have sex at least once in 2020. 8 months in… not looking great.

jealousboyfriend

I report my girlfriend’s bikini pics for nudity on Instagram

Angtuffw

I have a vague recollection of being dragged out of a club by a bouncer for being drunk and bent over a rail while the bouncer dry humped me from behind. I was so wasted I don’t know how much it is true but I get flashbacks of this guy banging his crotch against my jeans/butt. Not sure what action to take if any. Dude had a ponytail as well

mylittlesecret

I get into arguments with trans activists on the internet all the time and am pretty mean to them to the point I always feel bad afterwards. Especially since I wank to shemale/femboy porn most nights.

Charlie ccza

I used to spend a lot of time watching “How to Crip Walk” videos on YouTube to try and teach myself how to do it

spooge27

I recently discovered an amateur porn video ‘called ‘prostitute removes condom’. Basically the cameras focused down there and you see her fingers sneakily take it off and throw it away. I keep bashing off over it so now it’s got to the point I’m fantasising about hiring a hooker, she does it to me and I get an STD or she gets pregnant. I really want it to happen!

gaseouswasteous

Had an amazing blowjob today, I lasted ages because had to concentrate really hard on not letting a stinky fart out

Denzelposhington

Walking home from a night out in London and went for not one but two dodgy street burgers on the way home. Desperately needed to shit straight after and had to wipe it up with the Calvin Klein’s my mum had bought me for Christmas a few weeks earlier.Slept outside Euston and got the first train out of London in my shitty commando state. Woke up in Birmingham (about an hour past where I should have got off) and had to take the train back with all the commuters going in for their Friday morning 9am.

exyayofiend

When I was 15 I punched my mum in the face because she came in my room while I was sleeping, having a go at me and pulled open the blinds while I was on a massive coke comedown. We’re friends now though.

International traveller

I’ve masturbated in every country I’ve ever visited, even if it’s just a stop over flight I’ll wank in the airport bathroom.

T-DOG

went to a friends house party, ended up fucking a girl in the friends parents bed, didn’t have a condom so pulled out and nutted on the sheets. friend wasn’t able to change said sheets because otherwise parents would know he had had a party , long story short, his parents slept on sheets covered in my dried up spunk.

Siknasty

A few years back I was on a major dry spell and had brought back a girl from work to mine after we got hammered drunk. I go to eat her out and feel my tongue brush against a tampon which she forgot was in there. I pulled it out and fucked her anyway, not ashamed.

Wankymcwankhand

Never been as horny as when i was made redundant. In between job apps i got into this strange habit/fetish of wanking onto the wooden floor. Started off with the same spot on the sofa but then made a game of it moving around the living room. Can only imagine the state of that floor if csi ever came in with their jizz scanner

Merlyn

I can never plug in a USB stick on the first try

ichiga

My boyfriend cums in complete silence and then says ‘thanks babe’ before jumping onto his Xbox, leaving me to wank myself off in bed because he always finishes first and can’t go again until he’s ‘had a meal’. This isn’t healthy is it?

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!