Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #200

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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charli

My biggest regret in life was having a girlfriend when I was at uni. What an idiot, what a fucking idiot.

Fatboy

My go-to deliveroo spot rejected my order and I thought little of it (not a proper takeaway, just a woman cooking in her kitchen)… Maybe they’re just too busy to take anything else on right now I thought, I’ll go elsewhere. No big deal. Got a call 20 minutes later profusely apologising with them referring to me by my first name. “You’re our best customer!” they said “It was a mistake!” they said. I’ve literally been financially supporting this family throughout lock down with my greed and laziness.

East Ender

I beat up Minty from eastenders

Boringbastard

I often have the thought that I’m like Truman in the Truman show, then I have the hard realisation that my life is so mundane no one would watch. Im a overwieght bald guy in my early thirties nowhere near attractive enough that people would watch me play video games and wank myself dry.

bardi v

I once shaved my vagina in the car because it was too late to go to my parents house and I knew I was getting sex at the bar I was going to…..

sobek

Walking home drunk one night and I fell over and busted my face up. I lost my wallet so decided to walk to a petrol station and in my wasted state thought the guy would give me a pack of cigarettes if I told him I got jacked. I must have been annoying him for 10 minutes and that’s when a police car and ambulance arrived. I told them I was all good and didn’t need any assistance and didn’t want to file a report. The policeman looked me dead in the eye and said “what if this happens again to someone else you could have stopped it”. So I went to the police station and filed a false police report

shanna

I went through my longtime boyfriend’s phone to find a DM from 3 years before we began dating. I still got mad that he replied… why am I like this?

Irked

It really pisses me off when the fasten seatbelt light turns off on the plane and everyone gets up super quick like they’re in a hurry or something. Sit the fuck down, you’re not going anywhere.