The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

–

henrickshockwave

I’ve got loads of tiny little pus-filled bumps all around my scrotum and the base of my dick and I have no idea if it’s normal.

Don Geronimo

My girlfriend stole some pills from her nan ages back, we took them a few nights ago and washed them down with a few Stellas. We didn’t feel anything, so we went to bed early, thought nothing of it.

I wake up, my PE teacher from 15 years back is nude, at the foot of my bed. I open my mouth to ask what’s going on, he smiles and bends over, fingering his bum like he’s angry at it, laughing like that gremlin from Jabba’s palace… I wake up, gf tells me I was out for 17 hours, while all she had was dreams of Goldmember being a cab driver in Brussels. WTF. :/

diskreet

Sometimes I’ll go to the toilet and wipe my arse and there’ll be a bit of poop on the tissue even though I haven’t had a shit that day.

top dad

I taught my 5 year old daughter that the Chinese brought coronavirus (or “the germs” as she calls it) to England and that’s why we don’t like them. Should be interesting once her school reopens.

atehate

My coke guy is one of the best guys I know. Ghetto as fuck but quiet, generous, genuinely lovely bloke. I wonder how he’s been doing during quarantine…. might call him up and put it an order for a home sesh

mrvanilla

My girlfriend wouldn’t let me bang last night so I wanked off to her slutty friend’s IG.

A piece of toast

I’m actually super enjoying being furloughed on lockdown. Really hoping it doesn’t end before I finish the garden and complete COD.

canichangethislater

I’m thinking of getting a new job because all the girls at the office have boyfriends and go home to them every night instead of coming out for drinks like we all used to. FML.

apollo fist

I’ve legit drank at least one beer a day every day of 2020. I’m afraid if I stop now I’ll die.

When i was at school i used to get tormented in PE lessons because you could see my tiny knob through my mesh gym shorts. 12 years later not much improvement on the size front.

doesntmatter

I knew a guy who committed suicide a few years back. Didn’t know him well but we hung out a few times. Anyway the last time I saw him I was in a rush to leave and gave him a crappy awkward handshake as we said goodbye. I went for a fist bump and he went for a shake and I basically ended up shaking his fingers. Few months later he hung himself. Really annoys me that flop of a handshake was the last interaction we had.

just blue

I think I have mentally induced erectile dysfunction.

BGLZEPICBARD

I was on a boys holiday in Napa when we saw a guy frothing at the mouth and having some kind of drunk episode/seizure outside a club. People were freaking out trying to get away from him. My mate tried to calm him down but the guy was swinging his arms everywhere and being really disruptive, so my mate body slammed him in the middle of the road and left him there.

JDB

I always leave a little Hitler mustache for last when I’m shaving

turkeyjelly

I was too much of a coward to break up with my girlfriend so I started being lazy, inconsiderate and generally awful until she dumped me herself. Took 2 months but got there in the end.

never again

I banged a Romanian hooker bareback and soon after one of my eyes turned red and I was pissing razor blades. Went to the GUM clinic and did all the tests including the swab down my penis (brutal) and all the tests came back negative!! I got tested for literally everything and had no STD. In the end it just cleared up by itself but I wonder whether I picked up something no one’s ever heard of before.

—–

Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!