Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #187

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Nostalgia wank

My ex broke up with me at the start of the year, to which let’s just say I took really badly. I took it so badly that I managed to “accidentally” find a cam girl that looked very similar to her and I proceeded to only jack off to the same cam girl for the next month or so. After a month I started to realise this wasn’t helping so I reluctantly stopped. I often see that cam girl when browsing late at night and it strangely brings back fond memories of my ex but also reminds me mainly of what a fucking loser I am. Damn this is gonna be a long year.

bengali

Since the lockdown I haven’t seen my girlfriend properly in about a month, really wanting to just reinstall Tinder and crack on.

nodramas

I once shit myself during a job interview after drinking too many beers the night before. It was a proper beer-like shart as well. I excused myself to clean up and never went back in to complete the interview. I always wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t shat my pants.

formulawanker

I miss all the fit girls at work

peeman

I’m worried about how long I need to shake my penis after pissing to get it to stop. I’ve always had a very leaky dick for some reason.

wifi snatcher

With the lockdown my girlfriend and I are both having to work from home. She was hogging too much bandwidth so without telling her I went into the router’s config page and gave my devices priority. She thought it was her laptop and complained so much that her employer sent her a brand new laptop from the US by FEDEX.

el señor

whenever I meet a man from another country I always want to address him as “señor”, doesn’t matter if he is Spanish, Chinese or Indian.

connect tea

I failed the first term of middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every term that year. I forgot that they send you all the cards through the post at the end of the year, and my mum got them before I could. She was PISSED – at the school for fucking up! The teacher retired that year and had already thrown out her records, so they had to take my mum’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and correct the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

disasterday

At least I’ve got a reason now for why I can’t get laid

lalaloq

My girlfriend is jealous of the way I’m able to chill during lockdown while she is basically pulling her hair out. Pretty sure she hates me now.

give me strength

I need to stop drinking because I’m never sure if I have coronavirus or a hangover. Quarantine is tough.

Quarantits

Came out of a long term relationship after new year. Been talking to a hot girl I’ve wanted for years ever since. She has not put out yet despite like 8 dates. Hoped us both being stood down from work and during quarrantine would mean she would just come stay at mine a lot but fuck no I’m isolated alone. Might as well be working.