The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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me3alon

I’ve learned that there’s no way I can spend every waking hour with my girlfriend during quarantine

papi chulo

I spent over £600 on weed and booze this week to prepare for sitting at home for days/weeks/months on end. 

thank u jesus

I had 2 destination weddings coming up in May that I absolutely could not afford. I might’ve prayed for a worldwide pandemic so that I wouldn’t have to go. My bad, everybody!

gettingonwithit

I got sick of being on Zoom so I broke the camera on my work laptop on purpose, now I don’t have to get dressed every day for “work”

Tugger

Got the next month off work and all I’m planning to do is play playstation and wank myself off

true story

My girlfriend takes bigger shits than me

Press1

I used to call myself “the king” in primary school and bully other kids and make them my jesters or servants. Some I even deemed peasants. Then one day our teacher heard about it and ripped me in front of the whole class. Proper had a go at me and said loads of sarcastic and rhetorical things that my tiny brain couldn’t compute. I burts into tears in front of everyone and I remember the shock on my victims faces as they realised I wasn’t the badass 7 year old I made out to be. Things were never the same after that

BigManTing

When me and my girlfriend have an argument. I jack off to pictures of her friends as my way of getting back at her

Slimjim

My girlfriend has a backwards laugh like Jimmy Carr when she gets too excited. I don’t know how I feel about it.

Gonzo

I drink most days in the week and often get out of bed in the middle of the night to go and puke my guts out in the toilet. The last time was different though, I couldn’t breathe as I was throwing up and thought I was going to die bent over the toilet seat because I couldn’t catch my breath back. I was so scared that I remember going back to bed and thinking “that’s it, I’m done. I quit alcohol.” I even made a note of it in my phone as a promise to myself.

Needless to say I was right back on it 2 nights later.

mongmaster

I still play Guitar Hero

TMFACE

My ex dumped me a few months ago. We have a ton of mutual friends and I fucking hate that my friends still hang out with her despite making it clear I’d rather they didn’t. I don’t know if this makes me a pussy or if I have shit friends but I know for a fact if one of my boys told me to ignore a girl for them, I 100% would.

Badnerves

When I was twelve I nicked one of my friend’s mum’s cigarettes and when I smoked it I got a boner. six years later and I went through a period of only watching porn with girls smoking. I think I’ve got a fetish

mr north

The level of self abuse I’ve been suffering during this quarantine has been remarkable even by my standards. I’m sorry for what I’m about to do to (again), little fella. 

(Cat)ch me if you can

My cat pisses down the plug hole in my shower but shits in the litter box I have provided.

I literally don’t care and I imagine she thinks it’s more hygienic that the wee flows away like a little toilet so I’ve never even bothered to tell her off for it. It does make me worried when she’s in the bathroom and guests are round in case I have to pretend that I care.

Rozkni

I’m a girl and I wear men’s deodorant because it makes me feel like I have a boyfriend

kev dunn

Not that long ago I took a shit in the club toilets and was so drunk I managed to full on piss into my jeans at the same time. Couldn’t do anything about it really so just padded out the area with tissue and went right back to raving

Fairly_regretful

I had sex with a girl who was super charged on coke at my friend’s house party. We went to a bedroom where the lock didn’t work so she picked up the mattress on her own and slammed it against the door to keep everyone out. Then we had sex on the floor. Let’s just say she was definitely the dominant one in that session

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!