The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Mylifeisamess

I quit my job 2 weeks ago now but am scared to tell my parents in case they kick me out, instead of being honest I go and sit in my car down the street for hours at a time.

BBBoy

My girlfriend used to let me have sex with her bareback and even cum inside her, now she insists I wear a condom every time because she doesn’t want to be on the pill.  I know it’s awful to say but it’s really getting me down and I resent her for it. She’s changed…

Dzero

I get anxiety when I see anyone in their 30s and over stumbling around shitfaced alone on the street during the day or late at night. I’m terrified of ending up like that.

barely2inch

My girlfriend has never seen my flaccid willy and I intend to keep it that way.

ArseCough

Basically i bought a lady friend back after a night out a couple of weeks ago, i was looking to press but fell asleep. The last thing i remember was said lady friend asking where the toilet was and if there was any loo roll. there was none. when i awoke in the morning and ventured into my toilet i stumbled across my towel. It had been used to wipe her arse.

Crazy bitch used my towel as butt floss.

Three brown swipes.

Splunky

Whenever I piss, I always shake, squeeze and repeat. Always end up with a bit of piss in my pants though.

Security officer in sector 7G

As one of them incredibly talented but motionlessness kids destined to get depression in school, I have now mastered the ability to turn my brain off at the ripe old age of 24.

Now I’m some idiot genius at work and understand how Homer Simpson leads such a happy life

Thatguy

Im 20 and live with my clingy as fuck girlfriend, i feel like im missing out on so much stuff by been with her but if i leave her i have no place to live.

YRah Kahn

Girlfriend and I haven’t been getting along in months, we finally called it quits and she’s coming over tonight to take the last of her things and say goodbye. Part of me is bummed but I finally get to invite round the girl I matched on Tinder who I’ve been whatsapping for the last 4 months. Can’t fucking wait.

philifil

I don’t consider myself a racist but always find myself wanting the white contestants to win in game shows

dickiez

One year at uni I got drunk and conked out at a party. My mates thought it would be funny to write on me with biro pens or whatever. I woke up and ended up walking back to my accommodation by myself. On the way I ran into this girl (average looking) who was weirdly eager to help me home. Anyway she did and ended up scrubbing the pen off my face and neck for me with a sponge. Ended up having rubbish sex with her on my floor.

sirwanksalot

I used to have both an online bookmark folder aswell as a folder in my pictures dedicated to fit girls I know off facebook. In my more depraved days I would wank to said bookmark folder, with the knowledge that I knew the girls.

BC Lover

I once really fancied a guy in work and eventually got to sleep with him. I was so dissapointed by his tiny nob (I could fit his cock and balls in my mouth, and I don’t have a very big mouth) that when we got back to work on the Monday I asked to be transfered to a different department so I would never have to see him again.

Cmaja

I’m jealous of my mates who had dads growing up

southsidemeng

I am honestly attracted to larger girls (not obese or too fat). I’ve always wanted to date a big girl but feel like I can’t because my friends would destroy me. So I continue to date skinny girls because I have shit friends.

PaloDogger

I once spread a rumour that my mate sucked off and then bummed a dalmation in the woods round ours. Everyone believed it and he moved away.

Paul Ince’s mate

I used to look down on men who let their wives/girlfriend talk down to them around others, I thought they were sad wimps and felt really sorry for them. Now I’ve been married less than a year and would like to apologise to all those men — I totally get it now.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!