The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

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Snake

When I was a horny little kid , I used to hang off doors and stair banisters and basically shag them cus if felt nice on my willy. Similar to climbing a rope in PE that used to get me going to. Luckily I haven’t grown up to be some weird furniture fucking sex pest.

cartoonboners

When I was about 7 I was, I think, genuinely in love with Jessica Rabbit. I started crying when my dad told me that she wasn’t real

woopsy

If i fart at work or in public i try to discretely sniff it all up so no one smells it

rich tom soon

My dad thinks i’m some countdown savant whizkid because i sneakily use an anorgram solver online every time its on . guy put my name forward to go on the show….

banmearpig

I like to enter online competitions where you need likes to win, I go on Omegle, pretend to be my girlfriend, find desperate men, give them my whatsapp number and make them vote for me before sending them photos from Google. If they have girlfriends I blackmail them to make their friends vote, after they vote I let them know they have been sexting a man just to rub salt into the wound.

yumsniff

I based my uni decision on which girls looked the fittest in the prospectuses

Trans-Fur Man

Years ago I was on doing a ski season in Les Gets, France (i’m a posh twat). I was ‘friendly’ with this girl who worked there too. Every time we got pissed together we ended up shagging. Neither of us enjoyed it but its what you do, init?
Anyway, a couple of mates of mine came out to visit and were staying with me. We went out and I ended up losing them and ended up back at my place nuts deep in her. With the job done I went to sleep. A couple of hours go by and I wake up to one of my mates porking her next to me in bed. I thought ‘good lad’ and went back to sleep. Some more time goes by and I wake up again to her shagging my other mate on the floor.
Even after that I still shagged her quite a few times. Oh well.
I miss you Hat Trick Nat.

Hoffer90

I work at a small pub not far from where I live. One day an absolute MILF came in and as I was making her drink she was going on about how great it was to get away from her husband and kids for once. I swear she was coming onto me but I didn’t have the guts to follow through with it so just went and wanked off to her in the toilet instead. Disappointing story, sorry.

quickdrawmcgee

I can cum in under 20 seconds without my dick being fully erect. Not showing off obviously, just saying.

Saila

Whenever I go to the shop just to buy loads of unnecessary snacks I always go dressed in my gym kit so the shop assistant wont judge me for it

Dg400

Did anal with a guy I met on tinder a few months back. Later on that evening (after the deed was done) I found what I thought was a black wine gum stuck to my knee, turns out it was a lump of my own shit.

EukodolLee

After I came I couldn’t find anything to clean up so I used an old receipt

Naj_IV

My dad and I were cleaning out the loft when we came across some old letters between him and my mum which he hadn’t seen in years and years. At the end of the letters my mum would always sign off “say hi to Billy for me”, so naturally I asked my dad who Billy was and he wouldn’t tell me. About a week later it hit me = Billy is the name of my dad’s dick. FUUUUUUCK!

Hooker

I once killed a duck with a fishing rod when i was fishing with my uncle

onaroll

At Halloween me and my then-girlfriend had agreed to go in His and Hers SWAT team gear so we purchased the costumes 3 week early ready to go. Unfortunately she dumped me in those 3 weeks, but anyway the party comes and I’m too lazy to find anything new so I wear my SWAT gear. She shows up and is dressed as something totally different.She sees me in our original costume and starts getting emotional and saying she misses me but I wasn’t having any of it. Long story short I end up hooking up with a girl she hates in front of her and it felt so good having my heartless ex watching and wanting me back. Have a good weekend everyone!

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Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE!

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.