The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Chump

I once blagged a free taxi ride from town by telling the driver I was an undercover policeman and needed to get to a police station. It worked and I got a free ride…to a police station nowhere near my house. I also threw up all over the front of this random police station. I had to walk further home from this police station than I would have if I just walked from town

loverora

My girlfriend wiped my ass for me when I was blackout drunk and shat myself. What a girl.

Jacksht

When I was about 13, me and my best mate used to order porn with my dad’s credit card, then set up the sofa pillows between us and wank in the darkness. Much later on I realised my dad definitely saw the charges on his card each time, but credit to him he never said a word about it. Dads are awesome.

The stone

I know that certain foods play havoc with my arse hole but I still eat them anyway and deal with the pain later.

Johnny squarehead

Since the hot new girl started working at the office it’s made getting up to go to work so much easier. I actually look forward to Mondays now even though I’ve said about 3 words to her in 3 weeks and there’s a 0.001% chance I’ll ever get to bang her.

Cybertruck

I would buy the Cybertruck if I could afford it

wyreless

There was a girl at my school who everyone was practically in love with. One day I stole her bra out of her sports bag, took it home, and wore it on my head while I had a wank. Another time I wrapped it round my dick and did the same. Then I got paranoid and cut it up and threw it in the bin. I was a weird kid.

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Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE!

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.