The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

—

votorious84

I took a girl back to my room at uni a few months ago and despite her saying she’d only smoked weed once before I rolled a fat zoot of super skunk and we smoked it together. Well she went quiet and before I knew it she had turned green and tells me she feels like she’s going to have a heart attack. I tried to reassure her she was only pulling a whitey but her heart was pounding and she was asking me to call an ambulance. In the end I calmed her down by spoonfeeding her sugar and giving her water while she sat on the toilet. Then we fell asleep without having sex and I woke up in time to see her leaving my room in the morning. Note to self – have sex first next time.

macciesman

I broke the pocket zipper of my rain jacket when I was drunk because a Big Mac was trapped in there.

Wankathon

I have become so desensitised to hardcore porn over the years that I worry where it will end. It keeps getting more and more extreme – at the moment I can’t get enough of watching fat chicks getting gang banged in public. What’s wrong with me?

PRIME

We have a large IT department where I work ran by Indians (fresh from India). The other day I went into the break room and they were all in there trying on each other’s shoes and giggling like children. Wish I was that easily amused

captain ahab

Fucked a 40 year old whale from the club last weekend to break my 4 month dry spell, no regrets (I’m 19).

redgetheledge

Got into an argument with the girlfriend the other day. Instead of carrying on the fight, I backed her into a corner and unleashed a 10 second long diarrhea fart right in her face. She was absolutely stunned.

NYAHWB24

I was drinking at a buddy’s house a few months ago, and in the middle of the night I got up to pee.( I was black out at this time) I started to piss in the corner of his room. When I realised what I was doing I stopped for a second and then said fuck it and finished pissing. He doesn’t know about it but he is wondering why his room smells like pee.

Pookie

Through a combination of post uni reality check and pure weed infused laziness I haven’t had sex in nearly two years. Been lurking around the craigslist casual encounters alot recently and now I think i’m ready to dive in. Watch this space…

GDOG

I ate a whole tub of hummus on its own in like 5 minutes.

zanatood

In the week since I broke up with my GF, I’ve been thrown out and banned from a club, pissed myself on the way home and had a wank while taking a shit in the toilets at Burger King. Safe to say I’m not taking it very well

moz321

When I was 15 some chav muttered ‘pussy’ole’ as he walked past me and I was too much of a pussy to respond. Still hurts 12 years later.

BBG

I hate the smell of girls’ arseholes because it’s obviously disgusting, but whenever I’m in the vicinity of one I can’t help but take a whiff.

masterchef

I would fuck my cousin if she made a move on me.

notabadguy

When I was 16 I was at house party where this weirdo from our school had got drunk with us for the first time. He was completely out of it and somehow ended up shirtless on the floor while about 6 boys (including me) took our belts off and whipped him violently for about 20 seconds non stop. It was total carnage but at the time the funniest thing ever. He woke up with welts all over his body and we were legit worried he’d come into school and kill us the next week. He was cool about it in the end though.

D9121

I hate people who say things like “everything happens for a reason” or “so and so is my spirit animal” or all these other phrases you see everywhere these days. Bunch of cunts in my view.

Siknasty

A few years back I was on a major dry spell and had brought back a girl from work to mine after we got hammered drunk. I go to eat her out and feel my tongue brush against a tampon which she forgot was in there. I pulled it out and fucked her anyway, not ashamed.

poopchutesniffler

When I was 21 I was horny as fuck and stuck at Coventry train station with my then girlfriend. She suggested a quickie in the toilets to kill time and being the horny 21 year old I was I was game. It was literally all going well until a woman dashed into the next door cubicle and proceeded to have a really dirty shit complete with the kind of noises of satisfaction you make when you squeeze out a huge poo. Suffice to say I rapidly lost my boner and I think I died a little inside. Still, being the horny 21 year old I fucked the shit out of her again in the train toilets. Think ever since then the smell of shit has been a huge turn on for me.

HenryWinkler

Last Sunday, on a heavy come down and hang over between the hours of 1.00pm and 6.00pm I managed to wank myself off to completion 5 times. A personal best. Can anyone beat that?

—

Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.