The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

autistictony

I’m in love with a girl in my office who I share the tube with going to and from work with every day. I think I have to make a move soon or forget her. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take a shot, at this tiny Northern girl, with the cutest smile and what I believe are the most impossibly juicy double D’s in existence

buzz

I get genuinely upset whenever I go to take a shit and realise I’ve left my phone in the other room. Then I fall into a double depression when I realise how addicted to technology I am.

5starlunch

Whenever I’m about to leave my flat and see the neighbours leaving theirs at the same time I wait a few minutes because I can’t stand small talk

wwkld

I refuse to have sex with 5s or less but 7s and above simply aren’t interested in me. A bit of a conundrum having to look for 6s all the time

Canilive45

I have erectile dysfunction

gmas2

When I was about 8, my granddad was stood outside the bathroom waiting for my sister to finish her shower because he badly needed to pee. He’s too gentle and polite to bang the door down so instead he stood there and pissed his pants while looking me right in the eye with the saddest look of shame and embarrassment I’ve ever seen. I really think that moment shaped my compassion for the elderly for years to come.

goongoon

I told my mates I was too tired to go out tonight but in reality I’m going to order Chinese food, get baked and play FIFA all night

peakman

I’m an Uber driver in my spare time. One night I picked up a woman in her forties from the West End and ended up pulling and fingering her in the back seat before I dropped her home (I’m 25). True story.

Old_dog

Pulled a muscle in my back getting up from the toilet after taking a massive shit this week. I really need to start looking after myself.

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Submit your confession(s) for next week HERE

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.