The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Themek

I use my dad’s business cards as roach for my spliffs

Sleep Banger

A 1up of the guy who fingers his girl in his sleep. I bone my wife in my sleep and I’ve actually finished before.

Smudge11

I got to the airport 3 hours before my flight and killed time by sitting at a cafe and imagining having sex with every female I saw, even the gross ones. I had 3 wanks in the toilets and by the time I was on the plane

[no name]

I’m a teacher, early primary. This week a kid took a shit on the floor in the toilets and the smell was so bad as my class walked past my autistic kid threw up on another teacher. I told his mum and she said yeah, he has a sensitive gag reflex.

islingtonguy

My dick accidentally touched the urinal at a club and the next day my dick head had red blemishes all over and was itchy as fuck. Turns out it was balanitis, easily treatable but still a wake-up call to be very careful at urinals

broken.egg

im 35 and have no idea what im doing in life, i live alone and have no friends. shit job and always skint. is there a reason to carry on this pointless process?

banana man

Took the fantastic advice from last week. Having a wank with a banana. 100% recommend.

Oli3383883

I always seem to pull the door handle in any person’s car before they’ve had a chance to unlock the doors

4NYK8

After masturbating i always have a urge to do one of three things: 1) Eat, 2) Sleep, or 3) Listen to music, but for some strange reason i need for it to be either gospel or rhythm and blues.

vulgarius

My girlfriend works at Boots and refers to her customers as ‘clients’ and it makes me so angry

yousou

Went out with my boss and learned he’s a real ladies man despite being 30 years older than me. He asked me about girls I’m shagging seeing as I’m young and I made something up on the spot about having a girl lined up for Friday. I already have a story prepared for Monday in case he asks how it went (we banged obviously)

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.