The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Mel nia

My friend asked me to watch her laptop while she went to the bathroom. I did but turned away for a few seconds and yup, it got stolen. Awkwardly stayed with her while she called the police.

Original glaze tiles

Every time I jerk off, I cum on to the bathroom tiles and mop up with tissue

chuckman

I have this weird thing where I get home and reorganise my flat every time I’m shitfaced. Then I wake up and have no idea where anything is

Badgerbaiting

My Mrs hates my SPICY Ainsley t shirt which makes it even better! Give it a good, old rub! (Editor’s note – merch page HERE).

Big Tony S

I work in a trendy shared workspace full of social media marketing tossers. They have these private desk booth things, used for taking quiet business calls. Every day I just take my laptop in one of them and tell my colleagues I’m “going in there to focus and get some serious work done”, when really I’m just sat in there watching box sets all day. Just finished season 4 of The Sopranos!

The Chubby Smuggler

Once i took a girl back to my house. She was a bit of a biggun so when bringing her into the house i sent my mum into the kitchen so she didn’t see her (as i didn’t want my mums judgemental eyes on me) i also made her go back into the kitchen when taking the girl home.

The adjuster

I work in finance and last week added my ex’s name to a fraud blacklist with will mean she can’t get a mortgage at any bank ever.

Ben3354

Sometimes I take my shirt off to get some air when taking a particularly large shit

slimjim

Growing up I wanted to be a football player or some kind of athlete as I was very good at sports in school. Instead I dropped out of university and became a Parcel Force delivery driver. Didn’t exactly shoot for the stars did I?

malvo1

I rock my 8 month old kid to sleep humming the Matthew McConaughey tune from Wolf of Wall Street and it works a charm

HenryWinkler

Last Sunday, on a heavy come down and hang over between the hours of 1.00pm and 6.00pm I managed to wank myself off to completion 5 times. A personal best. Can anyone beat that?

rolldeep

When I was younger I used to steal my older sister’s magazines (Seventeen and Marie Claire I think) so I could get some inside info on what girls like. I can’t remember any specifics but I really think studying those magazines paid off

steves

Whenever I go 2 days without wanking I actually feel like it’s some kind of achievement

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.