The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

20something

I smoke so much weed, at times I genuinely forget how old I am, the worst part is I’m only like 22 or 23.

strepthroat

Back in school the class bully threatened to beat me up if I didn’t show him my dick. I refused so true to his word he trapped me at the back of the school bus and dead armed me until I pulled my tiny little penis out. He studied it for a few seconds, laughed and then left me alone for the rest of the year.

betabrain

Whenever I go into a shop and leave without buying anything I always feel like the shopowner thinks I’ve stolen something

big_cuz

When I was 15 I tried to bang my 13 year old cousin. She was asking me about sex so I tried to take advantage like the perverted big cousin I am. 10 years later we just pretend it never happened but it’s always awkward seeing her at family gatherings. Don’t get me wrong though would still bang her.

koonta

I’m shit at everything

jhnybrvo

I have to look at the diagrams on the machines at the gym to know how to work them.

Whopper10

Me and my girlfriend are both a bit on the larger side, and one night while we were shagging she requested, for the first time, that I talk dirty to her. I don’t know how, but I instantly came out with “yeah you like that you fat fucking bitch”. She was fuming mad and left the room and didn’t look or talk to me until the next day.

mediocrum

I read Metro’s tube crush every day delusionally thinking I’ll see one about me

DKGazette

I used to rub roll-on deodorant all over my face is school because I thought it would make me smell good

anonemouse

When I was around 13 the internet was yet to go mainstream so I was stuck wanking to Playboy magazines and late night TV. Anyway, for ages I had this one magazine I’d constantly wank off to. After a few months I got bored of wanking over the same girls so I tried to make things interesting by writing perverted stories about the girls in the pictures. I wrote stuff so disgusting I can’t even share it here. I would then rip the stories up and put them in the bin because my parents would have probably put me in a mental home if they found and read them

scrapd_face

Today is the three year anniversary of the last time I got laid. It’s sad but my only real goal for 2019 is to have sex at least once.

budgal

I have no idea why but I always open the microwave when there’s 10 seconds left on the timer

Nauticus22

I’ve decided against dating a girl who I actually like because she sucked my best mate’s dick 2 years ago. I’m too much of a pussy to put up with the pisstaking from my friends that would surely follow

shrivelledprunes

I used to think people who spoke more than one language were cleverer than me because they had to translate everything over from English when talking

digginforgold

Sometimes I gently massage my girlfriend’s butthole while she sleeps.

cauliiflowerdave

I used to fake taking a shower when I was a kid. I’d just run the water for a bit and sprinkle a little bit on my hair. Too much effort washing everywhere and getting dried up afterwards.

nottscarly

I love my parents so much but talking to them on the phone is absolute torture

Zapplin

We’ve got a mate in our group who’s still a virgin at 25. I don’t think he’s gay, just a bit of a weirdo. I can’t tell if he’s just not into women/sex in general or if it’s his shyness holding him back and he just feels like there’s no point even trying. We don’t bring it up or make ffun of him for it but the other day we were talking about getting a prostitute for him. I’m not sure that’s a good idea, but I really hope it’s not something that troubles him and that he can’t talk to us about it.

No_go

My girlfriend offered to give me head in the front seat while I drove us back to uni. Turns out my dick’s too small to pull that off from a seated position 🙁

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.