The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Cranking

Ever since I’ve had girlfriends ever time I’ve made them cry I get a hard on. Don’t know what it is. Even if they cry on the phone. Instant boner.

Letchfield

I work with a girl who is blind. Whenever I talk to her, I stare blankly at her tits for up to 4 minutes at a time. Hope she really is blind.

martymcfly07

I went for a happy ending massage and was so drunk I couldn’t come after 50 mins non-stop wanking. In the end the woman told me her hand hurt and I should leave. On the way out all the other masseuses were giggling and I guess she must have told them all that I couldn’t cum. Most weirdly humiliating moment I’ve had in a long time

Escape velocity

A few months ago I was round my friends house for a bit of lazy Sunday evening telly action. We had some mdma left over from the previous weekend and finished it off. This was a bad idea, as it was Sunday, we weren’t even going out and I had ridden round there on my motorcycle, I decided to leave before it kicked in as I didn’t want to get stuck there listening to psytrance till 3am.
However almost as soon as I left and got on my needlessly fast superbike to ride home I started coming up. all the streetlights were making cool blury neon patterns, and the faster I went the better it got, so I kept winding the throttle on and eventually I felt like I was in the film Tron. I snapped out of it after about 5 minutes when I realised I was doing 80 down a 30 mile an hour residential street.
It was one of the most euphoric experiences of my life, despite also being the most shameful.

monkeysoul

I have no plan in life beyond when I’m getting my next drink

SmegHead

I sometimes ‘forget’ to wash my cock when I’m in the shower because I’m quite fond of the smeggy aroma

mastodon93

My girlfriend’s given me 3 blowjobs since we got together a year ago and one of them was on my birthday.

Hapless Moron

I set my dating app preferences (age, distance, etc) to within my exes parameters in the hope of finding her and rekindling lost love

PickUsAWinner

To both the posts about picking your nose. I’m 29, still pick it and quite often eat it, I think it boosts my immune system.

Why can’t I go through with it?

I’ve been watching lesbian porn since my teenage years. Absolutely love watching a rimjob, but for the love of god, everytime a bang a chick I cannot go the with it. It looks fucking disgusting in real life!

Love rat

I used to be a proper romantic, love at first sight, soul mate, kind of guy in my approach to dating and girlfriends. Last year after a girlfriend who I was madly in love with,cheated on me with an unemployed artist who lived on a canal boat I decided love was dead.
Since then I have realised nice guys really do finish last, and have actively decided to be scumbag for a while; getting together with women who have boyfriends, friends girlfriends, filthy drunken sex with friends, seeing multiple girls at the same time etc. I feel absolutely morally bankrupt but also probably the most content I’ve ever been in my life. Go figure.

Shelfunit

I take my balls out for air when I piss

Black_Hole

No matter how much I wipe, my arsehole never gets clean after a shite. I can only wear black pants because of it.

comma

My long term fuck buddy has stopped having sex with me unless we start going out, but she still came round the other night to sleep over. She resisted all my attempts at sex but in the morning I climbed on top of her and rubbed my boner onto her bum until I jizzed.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE or below this post (scroll all the way down) – see you next week.