The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

yourlifeisok

So have been going through a nasty breakup over the last month, still living at the same flat with my ex – I’m sleeping on the floor in the spare room. Last night she brought home an “old friend” whose now homeless. Not ideal. Especially when they end up having sex in the room next door. Feel pretty pathetic that I didn’t go in there and kick his dickhead face in. She’s dreadful in bed anyway, kinda hope she caught something from him.. On the plus side while I couldn’t sleep last night I found myself a nice flat on rightmove. Viewing it today!

sh0w0ff

I send pictures of my dick to gay blokes, birds just aren’t as complimentary.

You know nothing John snow

So it was a mate of mines birthday and he decided to have a big party in the field next to my house. Anyway I said people could stay at mine and what not. He got too drunk and had to be taken home, but his girlfriend stayed at mine. Her bag went home with him so she asked to borrow some trackies to sleep in. We ended up getting with each other and she stayed the night in my bed. She broke up with him the next week. He still knows nothing.

Dirty monk

For some reason I get really horny on buses and trains so then I have to watch porn on my phone and masturbate even if there are people around me. I have managed to master it without being detected.

Slimmeroftheyear

I lost a LOT of weight recently, I mean a lot. Like five stone. Anyway most people think I did it through exercise and healthy eating but really I’ve just been smashing the coke. Whatever it takes, right?

HPLOVER

I went on a date with a guy last night, simply because he looked like Harry Potter. No other part about him was remotely attractive. When he kissed me goodnight, I imagined I was kissing Harry Potter. I think I have a problem.

why

I accidentally sent a nude to my mum and she complimented me on it. My life is over.

Kuncie

Came up with a really good bad joke a few weeks ago. I searched it and couldn’t find it anywhere. I wanted to see whether there is like, a joke registry where I can be credited with it for the rest of time. Apparently, that’s not a thing. I decided to immortalise it here.

How do stray dogs sleep?

Ruff.

– Anonymous

Seksivideot

I’ve started watching only Finnish porn because porn is so easy to obtain but Finnish porn is a challenge to find. Also hard to find a woman who doesn’t ming big time. I’ve become obsessed with it and have even built a dictionary of search terms in Finnish such as Anaaliseksi.

NOREGRETS

I’m sat next to my girlfriend right now reading Confessions out….she doesn’t like you guys, sorry!

Funkandlove

I once seen trans porn on my boyfriends internet history about a year ago. I confronted him and he was mortified and very embarrassed. We’ve not spoke about it since, but I’ve lately looked into it and think it’s a massive turn on. I’d love to watch the porn with him or try a three way but I’m also terribly embarrassed.

Techno

Was at a festival abroad a few weeks back. Some guy approaches me in the club, saying some corny lines about how beautiful I was and how he wanted  to wake up next to me in the morning. He was quite fit so I thought why not? Made him pay €300 for the cab and a hotel room (they only had some top floor penthouse left) in return for some mediocre sex and to snort a few lines off my naked bod. Obvs left sharpish as soon as I woke up without leaving a number. Soz Dave.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.