The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Megabum

Once I was coming back from visiting a girlfriend in glasgow on a megabus over night, her mum had made me this dog awful chilli (she boiled the mince)…it smelt so gross. Anyway after I finished the boiled mince and undercooked rice I got on the megabus. About 3am I woke up as I need to be sick fast BOTH ENDS. I destroyed the toilet, like it looked like a bomb hit it. No one on the coach was awake..about an hour after my fight with the bog and old woman went in the toilets and freaked out massively. The coach pulled over and the driver was questioning everyone to figure out who did it. When it was my turn I basically grassed in a drunk Scottish guy who was asleep at the back of the bus….the driver kicked him off the coach. Don’t regret it

Strike out

The past couple of years I must of met about 20 girls off tinder. To date only one of them has had sex with me, and she was the very first one I met, on the first date. I can’t figure out if she set the bar high or I’m just fucking shit at chatting up women.

Idkwhatswrong

Didn’t go to work today. Got super stoned, jerked off, then fell asleep inside my closet.

Grass is always Greener

Last night I had some major kinky dream about the ex! (it’s only been 7 years) when I woke up this morning the mrs asked what I had dreamt about, said I was dead restless in my sleep, blurting inaudible noises and groaning like fuck! Little did she know I was dreaming about the girl I left for her! grass is always greeener and all that! Sometimes I question my lifes decisions, could that kinky sex be true rather than the mundane vanilla I get now! Time to spark a J and forget all these bad decisions in my life!

Beatoffven

I once spunk’d my pants in my piano teachers lounge whilst waiting for the lesson. I had to do the half an hour lesson with cum filled pants. Fantastic wank though.

Carol Boredeman

My boyfriend literally never listens to a word I say. It’s so bad that I feel like we’re a middle aged married couple. The sex is so fucking vanilla we might as well be.

Pissy pants

First night travelling pissed the top bunk bed of a 22 man dorm. Was too worried about people judging me so I ended up sleeping in it for the next four days. The smell was atrocious.

Fuck your order

I work for a large online retailer processing order and when someone rings a customer service worker being a dick I delay their order. Moral of the story, don’t be a cunt!

Fruity

So I used to dabble in prostitution. I’d find guys online when I was absolutely skint and trying to make the rent (grim I know but lifes a cunt) Anyway, so this one guy I got with pulled out a cucumber and offered me an extra 100 to fuck myself with it. That’s all the detail you need really. I have since moved on and now work in a much more socially acceptable fruit and veg shop for minimum wage. All the while thinking I’d be better off fucking these vegetables than selling them.

zezima

I’ve started banging a pretty hardcore feminist. I like to argue with her about the patriarchy or some bollocks and the argument always ends with me balls deep. I consider it a win every time.

Stiffformum

I think I fancy my stepmum but it’s hard to tell. I’ll keep you posted.

Buttmunch

I’ve been sleeping with a guy from work for months and I’ve massively fell for him, he doesn’t give a shit about me and isn’t even that good in bed. He’s also a massive knob head I just get off on the fact that he eats my ass and nobody knows.

DanielleBootle

I pay prostitutes to piss on me because I’m scared to ask my boyfriend to do it.

Killing time

I always tell myself I’ll do something productive with my days of and all I do is lie in bed wanking and watching YouTube videos. Still is my favourite pass time though.

Crakhead4life

I used to smoke crack. Thems were the days.

R&R

I’m in a band which do alright in my city and for the first time on a night out I got recognised by some girl in a club whilst I was coked off my nips. Spent the rest of the night getting about thinking I was the dogs bollocks.

Hottbutafreak

I have seriously considered seeing a therapist due to the weird ass porn I watch. Old man young girl, lesbian seduces straight, anal pain, kidnap fantasy, monster fuck anime, gay guy fucks straight guy…amongst other things. What does it all mean? Are there other women as fucked up as me? I’m 25 and straight.

Nightmuncher

Was on a night out in Colchester a while back to visit my mate at uni. Started the night convincing my mate the new way to get drunk back home was dousing a tampon in vodka and shoving it up your arse, which he did. And ended the night ordering an escort to his student accommodation, taking his roommates room and failing to get an erection. Thought going down on her would help the situation out. It didn’t. Instead I spent £100 on licking a prostitute out for 45 minutes and month of regret. Had worse nights though!

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.