The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

IWishMkatWouldComeBack

About a year ago I had a really dodgy experience with some coke that turned out to be speed. Anyway I went and got it checked out and found out I had a weird heart condition and was advised to stay away from anything that might put stress on my heart – this included large amounts of caffeine so god knows what amphetamine would do to it. I didn’t know how to break this to the lads so I just haven’t so when we go out I’ve ended up having to pretend I’m gurning my nut off to some Drum and Bass when infact I’m completely sober. Its been ruining my weekends for a while now.

notdonaldtrump

Once I promised I’d take my friends bj virginity. While she waited in my halls room, I took a piss, but being pretty drunk, I didn’t wash at all really. Only realised something might have gone wrong when I talked to my friend a week ago (who also fucked her) who said she wouldn’t suck his dick because she thought all cock tasted like salt.

PicadillyApologies

Woke up last Wednesday for work hungover and ill as fuck, got on the tube but quickly realised the gurgling terror in my gut, took a fart only to release about a shot glass full of the grimmest shit. Got off at the next stop to turn around and go home, only to wait 10 minutes for the next, fully packed, rush hour train going the other way. Needless to say, people stared.

sorrymum

In year 7, me and my brother found a weird vibrating toy in my single mum’s room. played with it for a good 10 minutes before running and hiding when she got home.

Fuckurporsche

Late on a friday, got dared to piss on some twat’s Porsche door parked outside his Kensington house. Spent so much time looking down the street for the coast to be clear, didn’t notice the guy looking out his house window until he started banging and shouting.

Sunday School Scat

I had an ex who was fairly religious. She had a metal crucifix she used to wear around her neck, and every time she went past a church she used to kiss the crucifix. I never saw her wash it in our 2 year relationship. Anyway, whenever she sucked my dick with me lying on the bed, I could feel it (it was cold metal)  moving up and down from my asshole along my gooch and back again. I never told her, and she still kisses the cross every time she goes past a church, presumably now with her new partner’s ass germs.

Mr Educator

I’ve been seeing a new girl who isn’t particularly good at oral so I’ve been secretly filming her on her phone when she goes down on me. I’m hoping she’ll stumble across the footage and analyse what she’s doing wrong.

OptometristLove

Was at the opticians getting my eyes checked out and me and the optometrist had a moment and now I think I’m in love and I stalk her Facebook profile.

Havingcakeandeatingit

Started working at my new job two months ago, already shagging two of my coworkers. Not really a confession, just proud of myself and can’t really shout it about.

Fatkidfromwillywonka

During first year of uni I got a craving for (decent) chocolate so badly I saved up for a week by not going out, only eating crap basic food etc. just so I could order some chocolate truffles (the champagne flavour, nom) from Fortnum & Mason. Come delivery day I stayed in all day staring out the window like a dog. Turns out the package got delayed so I ‘had to’ stay in and repeat the exercise the next day, like some fat hermit. Courier FINALLY dropped them at like 5pm and in my excitement I absolutely destroyed the whole box well within the hour. Worth. It.

Too high

I bunned a zoot at uni and of course campus security would come round and take names before they reached me. I bailed over a fence and ran for the forest.

SorrynotSorry

Found out my now ex has been cheating with some married guy for quite a while now. Introduced her toothbrush to the rim of the toilet seat. Have to admit there’s nothing more satisfying knowing they’re swapping my poo particles when they meet up later on. She moves out soon…. Kinda gutted it won’t be able to carry on.

Manitary towel

My second day at a new job the nerves were obviously slightly higher than normal. I wore some awful rectro light grey suit. Whilst sat pretending to work I felt my potty knickers starting to get moist from a sweaty crack. I made a move to the bog to investigate. Once I bent over I turned around and in my horror I saw my whole arse soaked through. I panicked and decided to make a manitary towel. Once I got home I went to remove it and it wasn’t there. Concerned it was stuck to my desk – I visited the job centre the next day.

CarerSharer

When I was 20 I went on holiday with my Mum, my Dad, and my Mum’s carer who was a 30 something year old South African woman. I was bored as fuck at my holiday home and one night me and the carer got super drunk and ended up in the pool. Needless to say, one thing led to another. At this point I should explain she’s married, and I had a girlfriend of 3 years. She felt so bad the next day, she told my Mum and flew home. My family hasn’t been the same since.

Back to front or front to back

I am a 22 year old male and I am still not sure if i am wiping properly after going for a number 2.

Broken2016bro

I went to Uni with my girlfriend – she dropped out at the end of our second year and moved back down to London. For my entire 3rd year I had a second girlfriend at my Uni town, and then my home girlfriend in London. I kept this up for 14 months, until New Years Eve 2014, when they ran into each other on a night out in the smoking area whilst I was there too. The uni girlfriend clocked exactly what was going on, but she was so nice she played dumb and saved my relationship. Fast forward 2 years, I’m no longer with the London girlfriend, and the other won’t speak to me. Good times.

STICKYFINGERS

I’ve been getting stressed out a lot at work recently. So one day to relieve the stress, I decided to knock one out in the loos. What started out as an innocent ‘it’s just this one time’ has now turned into a daily routine. It’ll cum and go I guess.

Game on

The other day my friend told me she sniffed coke off her bf dick before they shagged, now I can’t stop thinking about how big his dick is and am going to try to seduce him and hopefully do the same thing. By the way I’m a guy #gameon

—

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.