Week 5 has finished and I gotta eat my words only a couple of weeks down the line as the terribly named Prison Break FC have risen once again to the tip top of the league. With the highest points score this week of 64 to take him to 260 points all in all and 2500th in the country (there’s fvcking 200,000 or some shit all together), Tom Sands is pretty much repping it at the top – and – in all fairness to the guy he also called me a dickhead on the last article that Tim had  the decency to put up for Week 4 so at least he’s got an attitude problem to boot. Just to remedy your mindset on the old fantasy football, the difference between his team and yours is  that he doesn’t have any weak links.

Here’s the heroes and zeroes of Week Five in that order.

BIG HITTERS:

“Leighton Baines, I bet you think this song is about you, Leighton Baines. I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you.”  I don’t know how vain he is or if Carly Simon would approve of the Toffees nicking her song but Leighton Baines really is bossing it in the Prem, as are Everton. With a clean sheet and two assists to boot he makes his 4.1 million price tag seem like an absolute bargain and a must have for any team who wants to challenge at the top of the Sick Chirpse league. Branaflake Ivanovic has another dynamite display at the back for Chelsea and amasses a total of 9 points for the week meaning that he is now the highest scoring player in the world of fantasy football. He also is managing to make it into the area a couple of times a game to practise his swan dive and is immune from getting yellow cards for it so hurry up and shove him in your team.  The other big hitter for the week is the big 15 million pound man, Steven Fletcher, who banged yet another goal in to keep Sunderland on as good form as he could hope after his big money switch from Wolves. His tatts might be shit and he might possibly be Jason Barnum’s doppelganger but they’ve got Wigan at home next week and he is bound to knock a couple in for jokes.

BIG SHITTERS:

There was Nathan Dyer and his two pathetic yellows, Jonjo offering out Fergie after costing Liverpool their first victory of the season, but of course the real big shitter of this week was Aston Villa FC. From the long lost days of Dalian Atkinson, Dwight Yorke and Lee Hendrie come the new breed of turds who are hoping to drag this fine Midlands football club into the depths of relegation. From Ciaran Clark doing his best to get all over the big shitters again with his second own goal of the season to Guzan letting slip everything that came within grasp Villa managed to give Southampton their first win of the season. Any team who are letting slip a lead and allowing a newly promoted team to bash 4 goals past them need a real talking to – I just don’t think Paul Lambert is the guy to do it – maybe  they should get Rickie Lambert as player manager…

So that’s Week Five finished boys and girls — now it’s time for everyone below 5th place to pull your socks up and stop fvcking about – 5th place is a bird whose team name resembles TOWIE – need I say more. Step up SickChirpsers and check where you’re at:

manager of the month