The season has drawn to a close and the dust has settled on the first year of the Sick Chirpse Fantasy League – and we’d like to start of by thanking the 100 participants for doing their best to make it a success – even if their football knowledge really was shit. We’ll be running this shit again next year so keep your eyes peeled just before the start of next season and spread the word so we can put a bigger price on the Number One spot next time.

Across the season there have been a couple of big names holding the spot at the top from way back in the first month when we saw Sick Chirpse‘s own Gav winning the first Manager of the Month thanks to the top performance of his team Poo in the early days before eventually dropping out of the top ten and eventually finding himself chilling in 12th position at the end of the season.

Tom Shipley’s Apocolypse Dudes also made an early charge for all the glory alongside Sick Chirpse’s own Tom Sands’ Prison Break FC but neither had the staying power as they had to settle for 6th and 4th respectively. Apocolypse Dudes also banged in 122 goals to make them the golden boot winners.

Then Peter Jones’ Joner started to make their charge with a team comprised of pretty much the entire Chelsea starting 11 which some how worked with the stupid amount of games they were playing – picking up two manager of the month trophies as well as managing to secure 2nd place at the end of the season.

Other mentions go to late bloomer Ryan Williams’ Dirty Buffallo who picked up a manager of the month and secured 5th place at the expense of Tom Shipley, and also Sick Chirpse’s AMJ with his Dunblane Massacres who managed to  crawl into third somehow.

The winner though and the real stayer of the lot up there is Shane Tremlin and his supposedly ironic Trem’s Trash who with their two manager of the months and total score of 1795 took the big prizes.

In the habit of being the most beloved website out there – Sick Chirpse would like to congratulate the Top 5 and Golden Boot winner by sending you all a Sick Chirpse goody bag which will include a Tee and a shit load of stickers (look below for an example, dick head). Send your info through to [email protected] and we will get this out to you asap. The big ticket £100 winnings go solely to Shane Tremlin and his Trem’s Trash – if you don’t send us your info within the week we will spend your money on grass or something so I’d hurry up son.

Enough about all that – the season’s over – depression has sunk in. We are all aware that Ian Holloway and Crystal Palace are back in the Prem now, that Rooney and Suarez are pretty much leaving their clubs and we all watched England Vs Ireland the other night and England V Brazil and we’re all embarassed to be a fan of the national team. But just cos the season is over doesn’t mean we can’t look back at it and see who has produced the most serious tekkers and who has been the biggest barrell of shit this season.

So here it is Sick Chirpse’s BIG HITTERS and BIG SHITTERS of the 2012/2013 season:

BIG HITTERS XI

Goalkeeper – Joe Hart. Manchester City. 4.0 Million. 140 points.

The most expensive keeper in fantasy football at a whopping 4 mil. He might have spent a bit of time on the City bench after a few howlers and a lot of people chose Begovic and his 111 points for a mil cheaper but you just can’t put a price on that kind of quality – or comedy gold from his stupid dandruff adverts.

Defender – Leighton Baines. Everton. 4.1 Million. 172 points.

“Leighton Baines, I bet you think this song is about you.” The highest point scoring defender and regular Sick Chirpse Big Hitter. Not even in the top ten priciest defenders in the league. If you didn’t have him you wouldn’t have found yourself in the top 10 this year. Whether he stays at Everton next year or join Mr Moyes you can be sure that the free kick and corner taking left back is gonna be top of everyone’s fantasy football wish list for defenders.

Defender – Branislav Ivanovic. Chelsea. 4.2 Million. 158 points.

Whether he is repping it at full back or centre half you can guarantee one of two things: 1. He’ll be a formidable opponent. 2. He’ll look drunk as a skunk. It seems that since Shevchenko and Ballack have left Chelsea Branislav does not seem like a drunk fucked up Russian when he is playing but has fast become one of the best defenders in the Prem. With 6 goals in the Prem and the second highest points haul for a defender he has thoroughly impressed.

Pablo Zabaleta – Manchester City. 3.4 Million. 131 points.

Sneaking in just over Patrice Evra is the fantastic Pablo Zabaleta. A man who has once again been the subject of praise as well as criticism this year but has come out shining. The Argentinian may not have had the best season with Man City but has come out smelling of roses – whilst repping it as both a left and right back for the FA Cup and League Runners Up. Praised often for his quest for goals and assists he has added a real element of defence to his game this year which is evident in the fact that he attempted more tackles than any other defender in the Prem this year.

Sebastien Bassong – Norwich City. 2.9 Million. 111 points.

It’s all well and good having a team full of obvious picks and calling it a team of the season but it has to be said that not many people would’ve entrusted a Norwich defender – let-alone Bassong – to help steer them to a couple of clean sheets and +100 fantasy points. After a slow start to the season he proved to be one of the real bargains as he is ranked as the 4th most value for money defender this year.

Midfield – Santi Carzola. Arsenal. 3.2 Million. 184 points.

This midfield dreamer has proven to be one of the real big buys of the season for both Arsene Wenger and anyone who popped him in the midfield of their team. He has come out with the best points to pounds ratio in the fantasy football charts at a whopping 57 points/£. He even managed 20 points in one week alone which is more than Lee Cattermole managed in the entire season for around the same price.

Midfield – Michu. Swansea City. 3.3 Million. 167 points.

The Spaniard is Sick Chirpse’s favourite and the Premiership buy of the season, despite the fact that he ended up going off the boil as Swansea gave up on life after winning the League Cup and basically securing Premier League status early doors. Goals, goals, and more goals have even seen him come close to the Spanish national team – can’t argue with a midfielder who scores 18 Prem goals.

Midfield – Juan Mata. Chelsea. 5.8 Million. 214 points.

Third highest points scorer. Highest scoring midfield player. Not even the most expensive midfielder. What a season it has been for the Spaniard who has helped steer his team to Champs League Qualification and a Uefa Cup win. When he’s not featured for Chelsea they’ve looked like half a team and when he has it has been electric. Long may it continue. What a player.

Midfield – Gareth Bale. Spurs. 5.5 Million. 210 points.

Player’s Player of the Year. Writer’s Player of the Year. His Dad’s Mates Down The Pub Player of the Year. Most like PG Tips Monkey of the Year. He’s won the lot. He almost managed to singlehandedly put Spurs in the Champs League and is now off to Real Madrid as a well done. Amazing.

Striker – Romalu Lukaku. Chelsea via West Brom. 3.5 Million. 157 points.

We could’ve selected Suarez for all his goals, Bentekkers for keeping Villa up despite being a donkey, but in the end it fell to Romalu because he was simply unstoppable at the Baggies. At 3.5 mil he was an absolute snatch and could even fit into the teams where they wanted 3 up fronters. With 44 points/£ he was the best priced striker for what he produced and might even get his chance in front of the three musketeers next season and that would be something to watch. The New Drogba? Maybe.

Striker – RVP. Man Utd. 7.0 Million. 255 points.

Most expensive player. Most points. Best goal. Utter tekkers. League winner. The only thing RVP lacked this season is that he did not get any fantasy league points for rinsing Piers Morgan on the regs. Basically if you didn’t have him you weren’t gonna win toffee. Simple.

That’s the 11 and they would’ve only cost you a swift 46.9 Million with 3.1 spare to flirt with. You’d have cotched up with a cheeky 1899 points and would’ve walked the league without a single transfer. Captain Hindsight strikes again.

BIG SHITTERS

There really is no need to go into specifics. We could pick on Hart for the mistakes he made. We could go onto defenders and talk about how Vidic was out most of the season and how Fulham couldn’t keep a clean sheet like they usually do. We could talk about David Silva and his lack of ambition to get a single assist. We could even talk about how Fergie kept playing Rooney in midfield despite the fact that loads of us had him up top for us. Even Luis Suarez and his biting/diving/racism somehow skips away from the Big Shitter at the end of the season as it must simply go to one team. And one team alone.

They are called Queens Park Rangers. I started the season with Park Ji Sung in my team. Many people put Cesar in because he was “going to win the league with QPR” – some even trusted Remy when he made his way to the Prem. The bottom line is that despite the ‘arry effect, they are a bunch of losers who have sucked a club dry – but the club let them do it. QPR – fuck off and don’t come back. Cheers.

Here’s how the league ended up guys. We’ll see you next year. Safety.

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