Have you ever received an email from an obscure African prince inviting you to participate in a lucrative exchange of money? Did they promise you millions of $$$ in return for wiring a small monetary fee to release the funds? Have you ever wished there was something you could do to piss off email scammers as much as they piss you off? If so, you’re in luck — welcome to the world of scambaiting, where Internet vigilantes waste the time of email scammers in imaginative ways.

For those who are aware that these emails are scams they are merely an annoyance that clogs up our email account, and they can sometimes be pretty funny. I received one claiming to be from Interpol, telling me that I have been wiring out money to “Fraud Stars” in Nigeria and that they have busted the guys who were doing it. I just needed to reply to their legit email to get my money back. Someone called Mary Kabila contacted me. She was just looking for a friend, but I already have too many. I’ve also had the most pious of religious women email me, and of course, the classic Nigerian Bank email.

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My favourite was from a mysterious Russian beauty called Olga, her less-than-basic grasp of the English language had me enthralled, so I replied to her:

Olga: You have drawn my attention to a site of acquaintances. I hope, as I shall like you. How I to you in a photo? The truth – pretty? 🙂 But in a life I more nice!!!
And as I cheerful, kind, sociable and fluffy! I like to go in for sports, read books, to listen to music. I love winter and summer. I do not love spring and slush.
If I have interested you, with pleasure I shall tell about myself more in the following letter. I wait for the answer on [email protected]

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Me: Hey Olga,

your less-than-basic grasp of the English language has me enthralled — tell me more.

I am extremely pleased that I could be given the opportunity to draw your attention to a site of acquaintances. I was completely unaware that I had done so, and as you can imagine the news came as quite a shock.

You are a dark horse Olga. I like that about you. Even though your endearing message possesses poor sentence structuring, your spelling is impeccable. I must confess, you had me at: “How I to you in a photo?” The truth may be pretty, but in a life I more nice. Exactly.

I was pleased to hear that you are cheerful, kind and sociable, nobody likes a miserable selfish cunt, not least me. However I was shocked to hear that you are fluffy — please tell me that you are not a rabbit, as I have had bad experiences with rabbits in the past.

I love winter and summer too. They are just so wonderfully vague and all encompassing that the sentiments you expressed are guaranteed to please someone. I was sorry to hear that you don’t like spring or slush though, that must be terrible for you. I love spring, slush I do not care for so much.

You have interested me, and I would love for you to pleasure yourself whilst you tell me more in the next letter. As for me, I wait for the answer on the email address I just emailed you on. Forever waiting.

Unfortunately Olga never got back to me, but the following day I was signed up to a Russian dating site, where I was greeted by a barrage of “never married ladies” with different hair/eye colours, all inviting me to chat. Some of the ladies’ pictures even moved, just like in Harry Potter.

That’s as far as my experience with email scammers goes, pretty tame. These guys take it to a whole new level. Click arrows/swipe on mobile to continue…