Four Reasons Why Rihanna Needs To Do One

I know I’m obviously not alone in having some things to say about Riri. Thinking girl’s sweetheart Lena Dunham says that Rihanna’s reconciliation with Chris Brown “cracks my heart in half”, whilst Mel C (as a mother) thinks that the singer needs to take responsibility for being too sexy. And we all know that what Mel C says, goes.

I’m not one to celeb-bash unnecessarily but to be honest, Rihanna clearly doesn’t care at all about what people say about her. So here are are four reasons why the supposed princess of pop is, in fact, a massive dick.

1) She Kidnapped Music Journalists And Made Them Spend Seven Pointless Days On A Plane With Her

In November last year, Rihanna set off on a week-long promotional tour of her new album ‘Unapologetic’. But she wasn’t alone. Her record label Def Jam invited along a whole load of journalists and fans to join her on her whistle-stop tour of seven destinations in as many days.

What then occurred sounded a bit like Lord of the Flies in the sky, with highlights including a naked Australian man and passengers being held on the tarmac for three hours whilst the singer went shopping for underwear. Rihanna appeared at the beginning of the trip to pour a few glasses of champagne but then disappeared into her own private section of the plane for the rest of the week.

Eventually the journalists revolted and started chanting “Just one quote! Rihanna save our jobs!”, which would have been funny if it hadn’t been so close to the truth.

2) Her Instagram Is Her Painting In The Attic

Ok so bare with me with this analogy. I’ve come to the conclusion that Rihanna’s Instagram is her version of Dorian Gray’s painting in the attic. Every day @badgalriri uploads around five billion photos of herself in various degrees of being naked with captions like ‘How could you be so #hood, but you so phuckin #pop’ and ‘All I see is $ign$’.

To be fair, she looks pretty good in the pictures, but one day Instagram will crash, her paintings will be destroyed and her true self will be revealed. I imagine she’ll look like a cross between Madonna after a four-hour yoga session and Lil’ Kim (have you seen Lil’ Kim recently?).

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3) She Makes The Daily Mail Publish Hundreds Of Articles That Even For Them Are Trivial To The Extreme

The Daily Mail’s not exactly known for its high end journalism, but when it comes to Rihanna, they seem to have a particular penchant for publishing absolute nonsense stories, complete with hyperbolic titles.

“Smoking hot!”, “Talk about meaning business!”,“What a cheek!” are all prefixes to articles that have basically consisted of a series of pictures of Riri and three hundred words describing exactly what she’s wearing, five times over.

4) She Has Terrible Taste In Men

I know that everyone is bored to death about the ongoing Chris ‘Beat-Her-Down’ and Riri saga, but that’s because of all the dumb shit she’s done, and this is definitely the stupidest.

Chris Brown deserves to be banished from the music industry altogether, not escorted to court by the very woman whose head he banged against a car door (and the reason why he’s in court in the first place).

The only entertaining thing that has come out of the whole sorry story so far, is when Drake and Brown got into that brawl in a club. There’s nothing better than two douchebags and their respective posses throwing glasses at each other.

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