Dion “Big D” Dublin – Striker – Coventry, Villa, Norwich
No, this is not a joke, Fergy actually signed Dion way back when as a result of him banging in 52 goals for Cambridge United.
Obviously his lack of talent and ability to do anything except make Emile Heskey look like the don led to him leaving for pastures bluer when he headed down to Coventry where he scored some absolute beauties.
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Dion is famous for several things including doing his best to keep racists locked up by reporting twitter rants on the regs.
Arguably most famous for that time when Gary Lineker inadvertently blurted out that he had a massive cock live on Match Of The Day.
He would get in the team just for that to be honest.
Alan Shearer – Striker – Blackburn Rovers, Newcastle United
The man, the myth, the bald bloke. A player and now pundit whose ability to hit a football has never really come into question at any point across his whole career.
Big Al holds the record for most Premier League goals with 260 to his name, which are included in his total of 422 scored in all competitions (including international) at all levels. With a goals-to-game ratio of 0.667 throughout his career at every level – no one really can compare to him.
Rumour has it that Sinead O’Connor shaved her hair off and sang Nothing Compares 2U in his honour.
And of course we can’t forget this little photographic beauty – looking good Alan, looking good.
Gianluca Vialli – Gaffer
There are many bald managers to choose from across the entirety of football but let’s be honest with ourselves – are any as beautifully charasmatic and technically gifted as our man Luca?
If his Euro 2012 punditry wasn’t enough to convince you of his tactical knowledge then allow us to inform you that he really is the top drawer when it comes to football ability, knowledge and most importantly, baldness.
The only player in European footballing history to have winner’s and runner’s up medals in all three main European club competitions. During his twenty year long career as a professional footballer he has scored 259 goals at club level, 16 goals with the national team, 11 goals with the under 21 national team for a total of 286 goals in more than 500 appearances. Wow.
Where many managers across the beautiful game lost their hair gradually and attempted such things as the comb-over (Jim Smith) or the cum-over Ulrika (Sven) – Vialli went straight from weird 80s afro to bald as they come within a night and never turned back right at the beginning of his career. This is the kind of commitment we need in the Bald XI.
So you think that you could have picked a better Bald XI? Or even a better XI in general? Or are have you only just managed to stop thinking about Dion Dublin’s cock? Are you an idiotic Man Utd fan trying to convince yourself that Roy Keane and Jaap Stam should’ve made it? Or are you under the impression that Olivier Dacourt is the greatest centre mid that ever graced the Premiership? You’re wrong. But feel free to let us know what you think, idiots.
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