Steve “Stoner” Stone – Left Wing – Notts Forrest
Stevie Stone, seen above posing with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, was an absolute shoe-in for the left wing spot of the Bald XI.
He may have spent a good half of his career nursing one of his three broken legs (he only had two legs but broke one of them three times), but when he wasn’t moaning he was tearing up the wing for Forrest, Villa, England and – least enthusiastically – Portsmouth.
Although he may look like Stone Cold Steve Austin and Danny Mills’ love-child I can fully assure you that he was a test-tube baby, so please stop worrying.
Temuri “The Georgian Geordie” Ketsbaia – Right Wing – Newcastle United
Under the Bosman ruling, The Georgian Geordie became a free agent and bestowed his loyal service on the Magpie faithful in the summer of 1997. A cult figure and genuine nutbar – this chrome-dome carpenter of craziness is not only remembered for his performances but also his rather bizarre celebrations of the former.
We have all lost it after scoring the winning goal at lunch time with the final kick sending your mates into a rapturous applause but Kets takes it to the next level – from throwing his shirt into the crowd to assaulting teammates and unanimate objects – he was a must have for the Bald XI.
The crowning moment of his career came arguably after his goal against Bolton Wanderers when he absolutely lost it and went sick at a McDonald’s and Adidas hoarding – pre-empting what many of us wanna do now with every billboard advertising one of the two around the Olympics. Good on you Kets.
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Attillo “The Bald Eagle” Lombardo – Attacking Midfield/Playmaker – Crystal Palace
Many would argue that The Bald Eagle made more of a name for himself in Italy than he ever really threatened to do in the Premier League but the real football fans among us can clarify that he did more in those 43 games than some players have done in lifetimes.
When he joined the Premiership new-boys Crystal Palace in 1997 many wrote him off and said that he was too old, too bald and too fvcking shit to run the show like he used to. However, this move really was star-making potential as he was immediately catapulted to the centre of the team and became their dynamo for anything creative.
Palace ended up getting relegated which was more than unfortunate and everyone’s favourite kind of bird was picked up by fellow baldy Sven at Lazio where Attilio thought it best to win another couple of Serie A’s, the Coppa Italia and The European Cup Winner’s Cup – when in Rome.
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Gary “Macca” McAllister – Midfield General – Leeds/Coventry/Liverpool
DISCLAIMER – Despite the picture above, Gary is not in fact Lee Bowyer’s father or aborted twin – DISCLAIMER
Gary McAllister MBE (Member of the British Empire) and MEBH (Magic Eight Ball Head) was born on Christmas day way back in 1964 and when the little bald fucker popped out everyone knew right then and there that not a single hair would ever grow on that poor boy’s head.
Born in Motherwell (but don’t hold that against him) this classy midfield general went on to Leicester at the age of 20 before playing his way through the Prem at Leeds, Coventry and Liverpool.
A classy showman who despite his Scottish roots always knew what to do with the football – an absolute must at the heart of the Bald XI. Hold your head up Gary, not just for pride but we don’t want too much glare coming off that dome of yours.
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Sales of Subaru quadrupled after this goal hit the net within minutes. 325 Premiership games and 49 goals later he hung up his boots.
