I’m not on speaking terms with my cat at the moment. I told her before that she’s a bastard for shitting in the sink and the next time she decides to lay a log in there, I’ll be pretty pissed off. She should just just check out the Sick Chirpse guide to toilet training your kitty, but instead she just gave me a wink, turned around and walked away, shaking her arse at me, without even muttering an apology. She either thought I was joking or talking a load of hangover-bollocks but I was serious and now she’s fucked it up for herself. She’ll definitely share none of my smokes tonight now. She can buy her own.

I don’t really know where I went wrong, you know? I taught her manners and she was well-behaved until now, where she’s just fvcking mental and sliding into ASBO territory like a champ. I caught her getting fingered by some minging stray the other day, too. Nearly had a stroke. I might have to take her to counselling if she keeps up, it’s either that or rehab. She needs to get her act together.

Or she could just chill with this dude more often. I wouldn’t mind her shagging him as he seems like a stylish guy, a guy who knows he’s one cool motherfucker. If he’s reading this, hit me up and we’ll sort something out. Any cat that can eat with a fork is an absolute dude in my book, even more of a dude than a cat usually is. Chances are that he’s a more polite eater than you’ll ever be, close your fvcking mouth next time you’re slamming a pasty down your gullet. And take some tips from this guy.

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYIakIBoN5o’]

(Yeah we know this cat isn’t really eating with a fork but we just like to pretend it’s real, IS THAT NOT OK?)