Nervous about having lost your mojo over the last few months of quarantine? Not to worry, because this absolute stud named Russell Hartley who has definitely had sex before is here to let you know all his top tricks and tips for successfully pulling women at clubs and taking them back home.

Allow the master to enlighten you:

There is a 0% chance this man has ever touched a woman pic.twitter.com/FcCXWGdJeL

— B. W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) July 30, 2020

There you have it. Just follow Russell’s tips and you’ll be balls deep in some club hottie in no time. First, make sure you rack up some credit card debt on expensive clothes (including a “hypertailored” suit) that definitely don’t make you look like a try-hard virgin.

Then, all you have to do is tell the babes you have Mario Kart back at your place (because like he says, every girl under 25 loves Mario Kart), but don’t actually worry about owning a copy of Mario Kart because you’ll be too busy shagging to even play.

Similarly, lie about having a dog named Max at home who she’ll definitely be excited to meet but won’t actually care about when she realises you don’t own a dog because again, she’ll be too busy shagging you to notice you made the whole thing up.

And remember, if she’s unsure about heading back to your place, just tell her you have work in the morning and weren’t that bothered anyway. Neg city! Can’t get more shaggable than that.

Thoughts & prayers with all the ladies out there who have to deal with twats like this on a night out. Almost as facepalm-worthy as this ‘alpha male’s’ ‘how to be a beautiful woman’ guide.