So apparently Ozzy Osbourne has gone AWOL after his wife Sharon found out that he had an affair with young hairdresser Michelle Pugh. Which begs the question, who the fuck would fuck Ozzy Osbourne? It’d be like humping a brain-dead sleeping bag filled with potatoes.

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The ex-rocker had checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel after Sharon kicked him out of their home, although since then he has left his room and his kids Jack, Kelly and Aimee have been unable to get in touch.

An insider told The Sun:

Jack tried to get hold of Ozzy because he thinks he might talk some sense into him.

He and his sister Kelly and Aimee are worried about him and are a bit shocked by what has gone on.

But Sharon is in an unforgiving mood and does not want him in the house, so it’s a difficult position.

As mentioned, it is reported that he had been sleeping with Michelle Pugh, a 45-year-old celebrity hairdresser. Maybe Sharon should have turned a blind eye – at least she’d have someone to sort out her terrible barnet.

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I’m sure he’s not actually gone on the run or anything. If any of you have seen him recently, you would know that he could probably only manage a few paces before his carer comes and takes him back to his room.

If Sharon is that bothered, maybe she should just go and give a blowie to Prince Charles.