When we say the Oscars are coming we don’t mean that there is a legion of South African Paralympians armed with shotguns coming to your house (well there might be as he is out on bail) – we mean the 85th Academy Awards is on its way and will be on at stupid o’clock on Sunday 24th February if you fancy waiting up for it…otherwise you can check your Twitter feed Monday when you are having your morning smoke/coffee and just copy the opinions of famous people who generally know more than you about movies. Problem with that is you might inadvertently give Steven Spielberg a verbal blowjob (for Lincoln) and he definately has AIDs (one of the only benefits of bumming Tom Hanks repeatedly – see Antonio Banderas in Philadalphia). The most important thing you need to consider when talking about the Oscars is that more often than not the right film doesn’t win. This should be viewed as a golden ticket by the everyman as it opens up a world of opportunity to bitch about people that you will never be as successful as – which just happens to be right up my ally – as a failed writer turned prick.

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So here is Sick Chirpse’s run down of what is most likely to go down on Sunday night and more importantly what you can have a bitch about on Monday morning.

BEST PICTURE

Only nine movies are up for the big award this year as opposed to last year’s ten and despite this the critics and bookies are saying it is a two horse race between Spielberg’s biopic Lincoln and Ben Affleck’s hostage-drama (for want of a better phrase) Argo. Daniel Day-Lewis spends 150 minutes trying to win his third Oscar by doing a pretty good impression of $5 kid Ab Lincoln – although I’m only saying that it is a good impression because I’ve seen cartoons with Ab Lincoln in and he spoke the same and wore the big hat. In reality if Lincoln wins best picture it’ll because of Obama’s second term crowning off something that a great man started those many years ago and won’t actually be because it’s the best picture. Ben Affleck’s Argo poses a whole different problem though as if it does win it’ll mean that it is the first film since the 1980s to win Best Picture where the director hasn’t made the cut in the Best Director category. I think that the last movie that did it was Driving Miss Daisy – now I haven’t seen that but I’ve seen Debbie Does Dallas and I’m pretty sure they are similar and that definitely☛ didn’t win Best Picture.

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In the real world where people actually watch films and aren’t complete assholes the winner is pretty simple, The Master, however there is a slight issue as it wasn’t even nominated. So when people are debating whether or not Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty should’ve had the nod or whether or not Ang Lee making the book that should never have been a film deserved the award…then look them straight in the eye and tell them they don’t have a pot of glue what they’re talking about because The Master is simply mesmerizing from start to finish. Paul Thomas Anderson picks the pieces out of Scientology (or The Cause as they are known in the movie) which for a start makes for a pretty good movie as my only knowledge on the subject is that South Park episode and the article we ran last week at Sick Chirpse where Jimmy The Saint thought it pertinent to tell us all about their new ad campaign. Secondly there are stellar performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Philip Seymour Hoffman as expected; especially Phoenix on his return from being a rap sensation, playing a sex mad World War Two veteran with some serious post-traumatic stress issues.

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BEST ACTOR

Bradley Cooper did a good job of basically reprising his role from Wedding Crashers in David O’Russell’s Silver Lining Playbook, Denzel is back to acting with some in Flight entertainment, Hugh Jackman apparently belted it out as Wolverine in Les Miserables, and we’ve all ready mentioned how great Joaquin was in The Master but this one is all ready over. After being in character for the past year as Abraham Lincoln, Daniel Day Lewis is expected to pick up his record third Best Actor Oscar for Lincoln. His first Oscar was for My Left Foot which is a self-shot documentary about how you can use just a foot to wank yourself off, his second Oscar was for There Will Be Blood which was set in an alternative reality where he plays Tom Selleck on a murderous rampage, and finally his third Oscar will be for his portrayal of Great Abe as a vampire hunting fiend in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

BEST ACTRESS

The youngest ever nominee, Quevnzhane Wallis (Beast Of The Southern Wild) faces off against the oldest ever nominee, Emmanuelle Riva (Amour), alongside three faces we are more used to seeing in recent cinema, Naomi Watts (The Impossible), Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook) and Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty). Naomi Watts is straight out of the running as The Impossible was absolutely terrible in every way, little Wallis won’t win despite Beast Of The Southern Wild being absolutely lovely and Chastain won’t win despite running the show in Zero Dark Thirty. That leaves Jennifer Lawrence and her sublime turn as the manically depressed and enjoyably slutty Tiffany in Silver Linings Playbook VS Emmanuelle Riva for her beautiful portrayal of an elderly women on the edge of losing everything in Amour. I’d love to see Lawrence win this, mostly because I’m in love with her, but there is no way they are not going to give the Oscar to Riva on her 86th birthday after flying her all that way from Paris and risking deep vein thrombosis – and she thoroughly deserves it seeing as every 86 year-old I know struggles to get out of a chair without pissing themselves. Also, just telling people you’ve watched Amour will be enough to impress as the majority of people would’ve only seen Zero Dark Thirty out of the five of these.