Although I know that sperm samples and sperm donations are a thing that exists in this world, I’ve never really considered the methodology of just how these exist – I figured you just went into the hospital, gave yourself a tug and made sure it went in a beaker and you were on your merry way.

Well, it turns out I couldn’t be more wrong and there’s a whole mad list of rules and regulations that you have to follow if you want to do it successfully. There’s also a completely bizarre NHS flyer that tells you what you should be doing during the process. It’s literally really weird.

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Wow. Where do we start with that? Oh yeah I know, the fact that the guy they’ve chosen to illustrate jerking off is clearly the classic stereotypical depiction of a Jew – I mean what the heck?

Obviously I’ve got nothing against Jews but it seems so completely messed up to caricature a minority as the main guy in a wanking tutorial illustration? I mean what is that possibly going to achieve. The only explanation I could think of was perhaps that they were worried about how they portrayed the penis in the picture, and if the person in the picture was Jewish then it could be circumcised and nobody would be upset because Jews have to get circumcised. But that really is pushing it because would people actually get upset about how a penis is portrayed in an illustration? And in the instructions it even mentions a foreskin so it kinda directly contradicts itself there too. Bizarre.

You’ve got to love the instruction ‘cleaning up any mess’ because we all know how that can end up. It’s still pretty hilarious having the process of wanking off described to you in text and illustrations. Most of it’s pretty solid advice and I’m sure some people giving sperm samples would forget some of it or not get cleaned up before giving one, so yeah it’s fair enough.

Oh yeah and you also get this in the room when you give your sample too:

Lol. Would love to see how sticky that is. Well, I wouldn’t really but you know what I mean. It’s funny they have to put that sticker on it too, although again you can kind of appreciate and understand why it’s present as it’s a very necessary part of the job.

But that fucking picture? Seriously. If you’re worried about the quality of your sperm though, here are five foods which are guaranteed to enhance it.