When you crave a beer and you have none, it’s almost as bad as needing a shit but you know you can’t let loose because there’s no toilet paper. I say almost as bad but, thinking about it, it’s much, much worse needing a beer. You can go outside and find a leaf or a small animal to wipe the leftovers of your shit away if you have no toilet paper, but you can’t really go outside and drink a leaf or a small animal to try to relinquish your burgeoning beer thirst. You’re either gonna have to 1) go to the local pub and plead with the barman to make the list of money you owe him even longer, 2) go round all your neighbours’, asking for 20p off each of them so you can afford to buy some beer (not as bad as it sounds, trust), or 3) go back into your place and writhe under some blankets until the beer-surges pass.

The offy’s out of the question, because you’re skint as fvck and already owe some £ for green, but if you’re really, really desperate and there’s no other alternative you’d probably think about shuffling to the offy anyway and stealing some beer. But you wouldn’t do it because you’re not a cunt and the owner’s daughter is pretty fit. But this nun – yeah, one of God’s very own abstinent whores – said fvck that and stole her very own goggle-eyes gear.

You can’t blame her, though, can you? Spending your life in isolated misery is about as much fun as shoving rusty nails through your bellend so she probably needed something to make her frigid little lips wet and I don’t even think nuns get paid (do they?) so it was her only alternative. I hope she had a hell of a bender. At least she hasn’t been caught shagging little kids like the majority of her male counterparts…

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