It’s starting to get quite hot in here, don’t you think? So hot, in fact, that you should probably take off all your clothes. I mean, I’m getting so hot that I’m likely to take my clothes off. As you probably guessed though, given the title and featured image, this post isn’t in relation to global warming — and I don’t know about where you are, but it’s the start of a mini fvcking ice age here. I mean, the only thing warming the climate at the moment is the fact that when the sun is out for longer than a day every surrounding mountain is set on fire by the yoofs who are off school.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make via the exquisite lyricism of Nelly is about how things are hotting up in between North Korean and American. Now, I don’t think I need to give you much background on this particular relationshit — hell, even ‘relationshit’ doesn’t cover it. I don’t think I need to get you up to speed with its current goings on either — from nuclear tests to outright nuclear threats. It’s so hot it’s got to the point where even Anonymous (allegedly) want in on the action via online attacks that seem more likely to push Kim Jong-un’s buttons — particularly that big red one.
☛ More On This : Anonymous Hack And Threaten North Korea
Then you’ve got the very recent developments of North Korea moving long range missiles to their east coast and the Yanks planning to move a THAAD System to nearby Guam; a US territory with a hefty US military presence. This being a precautionary measure as North Korea’s threats are being viewed as a ‘real and present danger’. Oh, and that THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defence) System basically comprises of some truck-mounted launchers, interceptor missiles, an integrated fire control system and AN/TPY-2 tracking radar — you know, just some heavy artillery shit.
My personal view on it all is that it’s just sexual tension; that these threats are just flirtatious dirty talk that’s gone a bit 50 Shades of Grey — North Korea starts flashing their nuclear prowess; America plays hard to get so North Korea starts flirting with South Korea again; America starts getting jealous so sends some B-52s over for attention; then North Korea is all like ‘Hey, baby, don’t worry. I got enough nuclear love for y’all, but this throbbing missile’s just for you — just let me slide it a little closer.’; so then America’s like ‘Maybe I bring my THAAD system all up over there, see what chu gonna do with that big, scary missile of yours!’ Oh, shit — it is getting hot in here…
Anyway, on the off chance that shit may hit the fan, we here at Sick Chirpse have taken the step of compiling some Top Trump-esque comparisons for y’all; you know, so you know which side to back; or whether you should just expect the worst and start preparing for nuclear winter; or just think ‘fvck it’ and start fvcking everything in sight — here’s a tip though, if all out nuclear does come a knocking, you won’t survive. To put your mind at rest, or make you shit your pants, we’ll be comparing the nations on Economy, Military, Allies, Leader and, most importantly, Music.
Economy
Let’s face it, the economy isn’t looking so hot anywhere right now and it hasn’t been for some time — it’s not like we’re all lucky enough to live in Qatar. It’s been recessions, and debts, and bailouts all over the international economy shop and America got spanked pretty hard just like the rest of us. However, the good ol’ U.S. of A. is a proudly capitalist nation and even if the poor are getting poorer, the rich are pretty rich, if not richer. Suffice to say America is still ranking a solid 8 on lists of nations by GDP per capita. North Korea though, aren’t doing so good and they’ve never been great with money anyhow. Sure, the wealthy (Kim Jong-un) are Scrooge McDucking it but generally it’s in permanent poverty — in the CIA World Factbook, North Korea rank 165th for GDP per capita.
Military
Admittedly, North Korea has technically been ‘at war’ with South Korea since the 1950s, but the reason things are so tense right now are because they started a nuclear programme, and then started testing how far they could fire shit. In light of this, they’ve become pretty confident that they’re a nuclear threat able to attach America, hence the threats. However, experts believe that their strongest missile can reach 6000km, which at best could hit Alaska but of course within that range is South Korea and US territory Guam. The Japanese and South Korea believe the one they moved to their east coast is capable of hitting the west coast of America. Alongside this they have the fourth largest army in the world with 1.2 million armed personnel, but during a nuclear war manpower means shit. The United States of America though, well, they’ve built a bit of a name for themselves blowing shit up and they’re, usually, quite good at it — plus the money they put into their military sees it as one of the strongest and most advanced in the world. Not to mention they made nukes cool in the first place.
Allies
Now, this is a pretty important one. If it was a schoolyard fight on an even playing field with no one’s friends jumping in, or anyone else taking sides, this would be an easy fight — America would win hands down. However, when you bring the rest of the world into it, and nuclear weapons, then things get messy. Two nations at war are never just two nations at war, someone has always got someone’s back or a vendetta against one of them enough to support the other. In the case of America, well they’ve got quite a few allies; the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, France, Germany and some other Europeans. And yeah, out of a group of friends America is always the arsehole, but as with that arsehole friend of yours —you’ve still got their back. North Korea on the other hand aren’t great at making friends, or rather their leaders aren’t, but they managed to make some friends in Russia and China. You know Russia, the original other side to World War 3, and China, our soon to be evil overlords. If you’re going to pick backup pick big, and North Korea picked huge. However, on accounts of their consistent inability to play nice with others they’ve even pissed the Russians off this time. Russia has referred to their actions (mouthing off and nuclear posturing) as ‘unacceptable’ and stated that they will ‘radically complicate’ any future prospects of six-party talks — setup between the US, Japan, South Korea, North Korea, Russia and China to keep the peace.
Leader
Barrack Obama; 44th president of the United States, Democrat, in his second term of office — charismatic, charming, intelligent, sings blues and soul with a voice like smooth caramel, slowjams the news, can deliver both brilliant speeches and putdowns, sports fan, smoked weed, called Kanye West a jackass, killed Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands (citation needed), looks like Gus from Breaking Bad, sketchy with civil liberties, will fly a drone into your house and kill your children if he thinks they’re a terrorist, is laying down the law on gun control and tried his best to develop some kind of national health service because he’s a communist.
Kim Jon-un; youngest state leader in the world, son of Kim Jong-il, grandson of Kim Il-sung — First Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, the Chairman of the Central Military Commission, First Chairman of the National Defence Commission of North Korea and the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, violates human rights like it was a pastime, likes making threats of nuclear attack, likes basketball, big fan of the Chicago Bulls, close personal friend of Dennis Rodman, psychopath, turn-ons; dictatorship, turn-offs; democracy — not much else known, other than if he’s anything like his father he’s probably made of magic.
Music
Every war needs a bitching soundtrack, I mean have you heard the Official Soundtrack for the Vietnam war? Man, there’s some good stuff on there; The Doors, Jefferson Airplane, Creedence Clearwater Revival — the list goes on. That’s the American side of soundtrack though, the Vietnamese one is a whole different kettle of fish but it’s the American side you remember, even though they lost. So when it comes to a possible war between these two side, who is going to be boasting the best tunes and in the unlikely event anyone survives the fallout (NO ONE WILL), who’ll see the next phase of crazy mutant mankind through with a rich sonic heritage:
Says it all really.
Verdict
So, in summary and in closing — what have we learned from all this? Well, as we tally up the victories from each comparative category it is a sure fire win for America, with our condolences going out to North Korea. Meaning, that if anything were to kick off then America has got this one pretty much covered. However, it’s not as clear cut as that. I mean, sure, rest assured that your betting money is safe on the reigning champ but the thing with underdogs is that they fight scrappy and often have nothing to lose. If things escalate, and I mean really escalate, we’re basically all fucked — for one thing, fvck knows what China will do. Nuclear war is not big, well, it is kind of big and all encompassing but it is certainly not clever — which is why we’re all still alive at the moment, no one has been stupid enough to kick one off yet. Loose cannons like North Korea (Iran I’m looking at you too) are either oblivious, fvcking stupid or are simply all out of fucks to give if they end the world.
☛ Be Afraid: North Korea Hates Your Trendy Hairstyles
The main issue is if North Korea will actually attack, and whilst everyone is taking this very seriously there’s a lot of belief that is a whole lot of posturing and chest puffing on the part of Kim Jon-un — he’s new, he’s young, he needs to make noise for attention and wants to feel good about himself. Then you’ve got to take into account that, unless they’ve secretly found a shitload of money and technological advances, North Korea don’t pose much of a threat as far as their nuclear weaponry. Though, even if they don’t hit mainland America, any attack on South Korea or Guam or any US ally within range will be enough for things to get incredibly serious if it’s nuclear. America would be more than capable to handle it from there, if they were allowed and it didn’t spark volatile repercussions from other nations. It all comes down to whether North Korea actually follow through (insert childish laughter here) and attack, and who knows, Kim Jon-il might just be crazy enough to do it. Don’t have nightmares.
Oh, and for my two cents on the situation and resolving all tension with North Korea? I suggest we take heed of the sexual tension theory and instigate a mass exodus into North Korea, from thence forth we learn their language, breed with their women and in time our differences would be forgotten. This is my solution for all international relationships, volatile or not.
