So I just got back from the cinema after watching the new Superman film. I’d like to say that it was the best film I’ve ever seen in the cinema but that award goes to the Matthew Broderick led Inspector Gadget. Of course I’m fucking about. Matthew Broderick is a wet cunt and I’d rather fuck both of his seven year old girl hands for the rest of eternity than watch that steaming pile of shit again. Anyone else alive back in 1999?
Back to the new Superman. There’s been a few changes. He’s always been known as the ‘Man of Steel’ and they’ve really gone with that this time. The film is set in industrial Sheffield and Superman can do all kinds of mind-shit with the spoons they’re making in the local factories. He’s kinda like Uri Geller but without the being touched by Michael Jackson thing. Superman then gets a job in working man’s club, bending cutlery and lighting up sambucas with his eye-rays for lower-class men, who unsure of their sexuality, lambast Superman until he flips out and puts a Skoda in a tree. Of course I’m fucking about but you don’t want any spoilers do you?
I can tell you that the film is a lot better than that romantic twaddle they released back in 2006 where Superman turned up, wrestled a plane and tried to fingerbang Lois’ Lane for two hours. To be fair, if Superman wanted to fuck me, then I’d definitely let him. He wouldn’t go floppy after a few Jagers, would he? He’d probably turn my anus into a sticky omelette. I’ve just got a dog and on occasion his lipstick likes to rear its ugly head. I prefer to compare it to the bloody talon of a rancid dragon but I can imagine Superman’s to be more like a girder in a velvet pencil case.
Back to the film. Superman was well busy and shit. He had to save the world. He especially wanted to save Cape Town because that’s where he’s from (not Sheffield). You’ll be pleased to know that unlike all his other films, they’ve got rid of all the spiders. There’s a couple of old dudes in it. Russell Crowe think he’s in Star Wars and does some Jedi-style overacting and Kevin Costner plays his adopted dad and looks really old. He has all those weird shitty brown spots on his face that old people get. I don’t know what they’re called but I reckon he’ll be dead soon – what has he got to live for now that Whitney Houston has died?
During the film, some cunt shouted to the cinema – ‘It’s Christopher Reeve.’ Which was fair because the new dude does look like him a lot in certain places. Especially during the horse-riding accident scene. Tip alert: I tell you now ladies and gents, bring some tissues to the cinema. Not for tears but because within the first few minutes, Superdude has his torso out whilst holding up an oil rig and you’ll wanna slip a finger in/ spaff in the popcorn.
So what else happened in the film? General Zod is played by Steffan Dennis (Paul Robinson in Neighbours) for the first half and is then replaced by Eddie Izzard after being in space for a bit. There’s loads of explosions, some people die and good wins in the end. It’s left open for at least twenty-six sequels and I’m sure Superman 27 will be in the cinema at the same time as Iron Man 48. To sum up: now that Deryck Wibbly-Wobbly from Sum 41 is obese, I’ll be sure to use this Superman film as my ‘go-to’ movie. Yes, I am in my thirties and I have turned this whole review into semen and dick jokes. Fuck you guys – I’m off to watch Inspector Gadget.
PS: There was an actual band called ‘Inspect Her Gadget.’ This is both the best and worst thing ever.
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