The Retaliation 

‘But what if he’s already hit me!’ I hear you cry. Lets assume you have survived this first wave of aggression, you can be sure as sandwiches that there is a second wave coming if you are still standing. But first, congratulations! Not only have you taken a punch (tell all your girlfriends), you are now out of the grey area of the law and have the full backing of the Queen and Commons to seek retribution. Your aim is to end the fight as quickly as possible, and to do this you need to put him out of action in as few bodily movements as possible. So, tip number 2 is go for that chin, the Achilles heel of the face (this does make me wonder where the saying ‘take it on the chin’ comes from, as believe me, that is the last place you want to take it). If you go for the nose you are likely to end up with incriminating claret all over yourself, and also risk catching an infectious disease like Diabetes. Go for the skull and risk breaking your hands. This seems self explanatory seeing as hands = fragile, skull = hardest bone on body but despite this seemingly obvious equation, it seems to be the go-to move for most amateur brawlers. You do not want to be that guy sitting in A+E at 6am, inevitably being seen to last, explaining to staff that you fell down the 3-step-stairs on the way to the dance floor in Oceana.

This leads me to Tip number 3, keep your head down and your arms in close. This protects your Achilles Chin and ensures your arms are in the optimum position to either block a punch or to pre-emptively strike yourself if needs be. If I catch any of you with your arms spread like Jesus Christ, face to face with an opponent, screaming ‘COME AT ME BRO’, then I will personally headbutt you straight after he does. When you rise 3 days later you will have realised that imitating religious figures isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.