How To Deal With A Twat Who Thinks They Know It All

Nobody likes a know-it-all, but sometimes, at a party, family gathering or whatever, you’re bound to get stuck with one. They are dicks. Somehow, they believe that every opinion they own is totally spot on. And, for some unknown reason, they also think that everyone on earth should hear that opinion. Like I said, dicks.

Your best bet is always to walk away from these types of noob. Nothing can be gained from integrating with them, but every so often, you can’t get away. That’s where this guide will come in handy.

We get a lot of know-it-all types commenting on SC stuff, that’s nice and easy to handle: DELETE>BLOCK. Done. But in real life, where other people can see and hear your actions, a little more decorum is in order.

If you find yourself going head to head with some guy that thinks Trump/Farage/Jesus or whoever, is brilliant and wants to tell everyone about it you should run for the hills. If that isn’t a practical option, the following pointers should stand you in good stead:

1) Never Raise Your Voice

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A know-it-all will always want to be heard, I guess that’s part of their disease. They will talk loud. Always. What they say is the law and, as such, they must be heeded. Don’t get sucked in.

If the big-headed boob is talking to you (well, at you is more accurate), do not follow his lead. Speak quietly. Not with your head down or whispering behind your hand though; keep your head high mother fucker, but speak at a normal level. If you are disagreeing with him he has two options, he can either shut the fuck up and listen, or he can talk over you and look and feel like a dick.

Every conversation with a know-it-all has the potential to become an argument, after all, that’s what they want. Don’t allow it to become one. He will try and try, but keep your cool. Speak in a grown-up’s tone, no shouting. When he asks you a question, just say (in your calmest voice) “I just answered that, but you spoke over me. I am not repeating myself.”

To a certain extent it doesn’t even matter whether you are winning or losing the argument, the know-it-all will become increasingly frustrated that you ain’t rising to his bait ball; to everyone else in the room, he will look like a dick for getting edgy and you will look like a level-headed boss.

2) No Scoffing

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Ugh. Scoffing. That’s the domain of the know-it-all. They curl the corners of their mouth up and say “you don’t believe that, do you? Hmmmph.” Eye-rolling ensues. Knob.

When met with this type of response it is incredibly tempting to knock the fucker out. But that’s not the way to deal with these types. Oh no. They revel in the attention they get from blood dripping down their chin. They will feel like a bastard martyr, striving for truth in an unjust world, like Batman or some shit. No, don’t knock them out. But, at the same time, don’t join them in the scoff.

Instead of scoffing, smile genuinely. That will send them into a rabid rage, the likes of which only Satan himself has seen. Make sure it’s a genuine smile though, if it’s a snarky or wry smile, they will think you are mocking them. No, it must be genuine, like you actually care for them an enjoy their company.

They will lose their shit.

3) Admissions

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The world is a complicated place and a know-it-all is a simpleton. Whatever topic comes up for discussion – religion, politics, extraterrestrial life, conspiracy theories, scientific endeavour – they will know THE answer, not just a side to an argument or a discussion, they have THE answer.

This is annoying as fuck as we all know, because, with topics like those, there is no true answer. If there was a simple, solution to the Middle East problem, for instance, someone other than know-it-all dick face would have come up with it years ago. But this is the crux of the problem, these guys genuinely think they know EVERYTHING.

Because they genuinely believe they have all of the answers, there is no point being drawn into a full on argument, because even if you know more than them and express yourself better, you won’t be able to beat them. They have already won in their minds and they will always shout the loudest and be the snarkiest. So, this is how to disarm them:

“Maybe you’re right.”

Oh fuck, they hate that. Where they gonna run now? You’ve just told them you don’t give a fuck basically. How they gonna run now? Initially they will bite back all like “Hah, I knew it blah blah blah” and try to hook you back in. And you shoot them down again:

“It’s a massively complex topic. It is impossible to know for sure.”

BOOM. Now you’ve told him, without saying it explicitly, that the know-it-all can’t be right. But in such a non-aggressive way that his spleen will be aching with frustrated rage.

You win. And that works for anything a know-it-all might bang on about. The world is multi-fucking-complex and this div is 100% unlikely to have figured fuck all out.

4) Feign Interest

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Although the know-it-all will want to spark an argument so that he can crush you with his “intelligence”, never allow this to happen. When he is spouting some shit about the military-industrial complex funding George Bush’s next trip to Uranus he will want you to jump in and call “bullshit”. That’s what he wants, and he wants it bad. He needs YOU to fuel his adrenaline pumped bollock-fest.

Do not feed this goon with your venom. Nope. Instead, roll with him. When he says some mad shit, just ask him quiet questions on the topic. He will realise that you are not angry with him and that will piss him right off. When he says anything, just respond “interesting”. But you must make it sound genuine otherwise he will thrive off of your sarcasm.

The added bonus to feigning interest is that you can ask more and more questions until you reach the bottom of his brain and he has to start making increasingly weird things up. He won’t ever want to say “I dunno”, that’s not in his repertoire, so he will always answer you.

Probe and probe and probe. At some point he will make a slip up and say something totally ridiculous. Then, all you need to do is repeat it out loud so that everyone can hear.

Claim your victory.