Some of you might be familiar with the seminal late 80’s/early 90’s punk band Jawbreaker who influenced pretty much every band making music today in the melodic punk/hardcore/emo genre. So you know, they influenced your favourite bands like Alkaline Trio and Rise Against and Fallout Boy and you’ve never even heard of them! Call yourself an emo!? Go home and paint your nails!!

But anyway, one of my friends in Basement (I bet you’ve heard of Basement, right?) posted this on his Facebook saying it was the dumbest ebay listing he had ever seen and I’m inclined to agree with him because it’s the longest, dumbest, most bullshit story I have ever heard on an ebay listing. Or maybe on anything. At least the bullshit part. Check it out below, I copied and pasted it into this post instead of linking to it so I could always read it even after the auction is finished:

Jawbeaker Hoody

We all have that shirt. The one with all the stories. This one is mine. So grab a cup of coffee, relax, and enjoy the story of my Jawbreaker hoody.

About 10 years ago while I was in college, I bought this hoody on eBay. It quickly became my favorite. It fit right, it was warm for those nippy Southern Illinois winters. And it had the old Jawbreaker oval logo on it. I wore the hell out of it.

When I moved to Chicago in 2004, I met this girl and we hung out a lot for a few months. I thought she was my girlfriend and I let her borrow my beloved hoody one night when she was cold. I left it at her place, figuring I’d get it back next time we hung out. That time was never. She broke up with me (or, rather, informed me that we had never been together and that we would not be seeing each other anymore) via MySpace. MYSPACE! I was furious- not because she was so great or anything but because she didn’t even have the respect to call me. She sucked. Plain and simple. So I responded with a simple request that she return my hoody to me. I’m sure I left other things at her place, but the sole reason for my response was to request the hoody back. She did not respond.

So I said a silent goodbye to the hoody after I realized I would never see it again. It was very sad.

In the meantime, I got really into collecting records. That’s where all these records I’m selling now began to accumulate in my apartment. One day, while looking for the elusive clear vinyl /200 1st press of Jawbreaker’s first record, I came across an auction for a Jawbreaker hoody. “Great!” I thought, “I can finally replace the one that girl stole from me!” So I click open the auction. “That’s VERY similar to mine…” I thought. Same size, same level of wear to the graphic. Bear in mind, these hoodies were tough to find even back when I first got one. I don’t even know who made them- probably a dude in his basement.

But then the kicker. The username of that eBay seller. Was the SAME as that girl’s old LiveJournal name. Talk about some early ’00s emo-sleuthing! I literally LOL’d. Probably posted something on Friendster about it. So I sent a good-neatured message to that seller. “This is hilarious! I see you’re selling my hoody. How about you end the auction and I pay for shipping to have you send this back to me. Sound fair?”

No response. So I start to panic. “No way is she really going to sell me hoody to some dude on eBay, right?” Oh, but she did. That auction got down to the final minutes before I placed my own bid, figuring we could work it out after the auction was over. I won the auction and sent another mesage: “Okay, very funny. I’m not buying my own hoody back from you. I’ll gladly pay shipping. Just send it back to me, okay?”

Finally, a repsonse! “i suggest you pay the full amount of the auction or i wil be forced to relist.”

So what choice did I have, humble reader? Not pay and get negative feedback? Or pay and have my hoody back at twice the original cost with the added bonus of a hilarious story to tell along with it?

As you can tell, I chose the latter. I would wear the hoody and tell the story of its journey to anyone who would listen. I got my money’s worth.

But, as time went on, I ran out of people to tell the story to. And I stopped wearing hoodies as much for whatever reason. So it sat in my closet, unloved for years. So I put it on eBay as any good collector nerd would. Within 3 days the auction shot up to $96. Surprising to me, given that it’s not like this is some real piece of Jawbreaker history. Maybe people loved m story so much that they were willing to pay a premium for it!

A couple days before the auction was to end, I received a message. This one was from Blake’s aunt. She was collecting Jawbreaker stuff for her son (Blake’s nephew) and would love to have the hoody to give to him. “What a perfect end to the story!” I thought. I pulled the auction down and asked her for her address. Instead of her address, she responded by saying that she suddenly felt guilty since the hoody had garnered such high bids. She said I should keep it and sell it as I had planned. “But I’ve already taken it down!I’m happy to send it, just give me your address!” But she never did. So back in the closet it went.

And here we are again. The storied Jawbreaker hoody that wouldn’t die. So you may be asking yourself why I think I can get so much money for it. And here’s why: I don’t care if I ever sell it. It’s just one hoody and it can live in my closet forever for all I care. But if there be an adventurous soul who would love for this story to continue, I welcome you. I know from experience what price this hoody commands and that’s out of my control. If it’s worth $100 to you, then you’ve earned its love. May a girl steal it from you and sell it back to you for $200. That is all.

Does this scream out bullshit to anyone else? Or at least, who the fvck cares!? If you want to sell a hoodie for an outrageous price you don’t need to make up some dumb story about some girl and Blake Schwarzenbach’s aunt to get people to buy it, or to justify it to yourself for being such a jerk for charging so much. Although it seems to be working because there are a few bids on it. I guess people are more gullible than I thought. Or they just really like that Jawbreaker hoodie. Here’s a picture of the hoodie btw. Pretty sweet huh?

No, you’re right, it’s not even anything that special really is it? I kind of want to find out where this dude lives so I can go round to his house and then punch him in the face and steal the hoodie and then sell it back to him for an outrageous price. That’s how I feel about all this. If you’re interested in bidding on it the Jawbreaker hoodie though after reading that amazing story, check out the listing HERE. You gotta be quick though as it finishes in a couple of days. It’s also PRETTY expensive.