Clothes

Words belong in your mouth, not on your clothes. Intellectuals may have their fair share of homosexual members, but even then, wearing the name of another man on your t-shirt doesn’t make you look anything less than a gizzard. Especially when it’s a sexy sounding Italian man. Tweed blazers are now a no-go due to proliferation in Essex. If Winston Churchill somehow came back to life and wandered into the Sugar Hut he would be forgiven for thinking he stumbled into a gentleman’s club for a meeting of great minds. He would quickly find out that the complete opposite was the case. Barbour jackets are generally accepted as safe, but only if it’s been handed down or found in a barn, do not buy a new one. Make sure they are of the wax variety, not quilted, they are for football hooligans. Shopping at All Saints says that you cannot do Math, as anyone who works out the equation of Quality + Longevity = Price will quickly conclude that they should be paying you to wear their clothes. Steer clear. 

Conclusion

These guidelines are just the tip of the iceberg, there are endless activities we can engage in to promote our other-worldliness in the eyes of our peers. Join the cross-fit cult, attend Bikram Yoga classes or start the Paleo diet. Support a crap football team like AFC Wimbledon and everyone will be wondering what it is you know about them that other people don’t. Always maintain that aura of mystery and quiet knowing. Soon you will have your own group of disciples hanging off your every word, hoping to catch some brilliant insight. As a famous French artist once said, “when the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea’.

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